bravery

You know, it's funny. I opened this window to write this blog post, and simultaneously Pandora introduced me to a song called "Forgive Yourself" by Downhere. Downhere is one of my favorite bands, but I had not heard this song before. The title pretty much defines the song's content, and it also describes one of the things I've been thinking about lately.

I hold myself to such impossibly high standards, and every time I fail, it costs me so much emotionally. I don't usually hold grudges, and am willing to forgive almost anyone who has failed me, but I am almost never willing to forgive myself. I don't know if it's a pride thing, or what, but I will find myself beating myself up for little things months and years later, little things like letting someone else pick up the bill at a restaurant or failing to talk to someone about my faith. I usually blame myself for everything, even if someone else was at fault. I want so badly to see the good in everyone around me that I take the fall for everything. Well this makes it easy for me to move past the mistakes of others, it makes it impossible for me to move past my own mistakes. I wallow in the past, in regret, wishing I had done things differently - that I had spoken rather than remaining silent, or that I had taken action instead of letting the moment pass.

I am not brave. When I imagine myself, imagine the future, imagine the way things could be, I see myself as someone who I utterly fail to be in reality. My desperation to be loved and appreciated by those around me leaves me paralyzed to action out of fear that my action will push those around me away. I have a vision, but allow it to be compromised out of fear that my acting it out will result in my ostracization. I am insanely passionate about something, but if I pursue it, I do so half-heartedly, and with constant compromise to the way that others involved are accustomed to doing things, instead of passionately pursuing the gift, experience, and vision God has given me. This is repeated over and over in my life. Sometimes it works out, and always time passes and the opportunity for action on my part slips away. I rationalize my failure by telling myself that it just wasn't the time or place.

What could be if I were brave? How would God use me if I were willing to step out in faith and keep my eyes fixed on Him rather than on those around me? How long is it going to be until I stop using my lack of bravery as an excuse to not full-heartedly serve my Lord? How long will I wallow in self-pity, refusing to forgive myself for things for which my Savior paid the price so many years ago? How long will I allow my insecurities to stand in the way of following Christ? He said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." (Matthew 16:24) Oh, that I would only heed His call and follow.

I am not brave, I am not strong. I am not confident, I lack so much. And yet, just as God used Moses even when he did not feel at all up to the task, He will use me. Oh, that I would embrace His calling and those He sends to help me... to God be all the glory for the ways He uses little me for His kingdom.