Last week I went to the grocery store and bought a bottle of wine (it was pretty fun to have to show my ID, not gonna lie).
For those of you who know me well, this may bring about a small (or large) gasp.
I'm twenty three years old, and up to this point I had contented myself with sips of alcoholic beverages just to find out what they taste like. I wasn't usually impressed - the taste of alcohol ruined the inherent goodness of liquid for me.
But, I figured I needed to actually figure out what this alcohol thing is all about. Ever since I reached adulthood, but especially since I turned twenty one, my philosophy of alcohol consumption has been slowly shifting, and it has now reached the point where I have very few reservations to the responsible consumption of alcohol in moderation. All things in moderation, right? So, in keeping with my new-found liberalism, I went to the grocery store and bought a bottle of Sweet Riesling white wine. 7.5% alcohol content, $10 for the bottle.
Quite candid reasons I have abstained (up to this point):
-fear that one sip of the "forbidden fruit" will leave me unable to resist drunkenness. that if once I take a sip of the evil liquid, I'll become an alcoholic. Or at least that the consumption of alcohol (even if in moderation) will cause me to do things I normally wouldn't. A loss of control, however slight, is not something I welcome. (which may be an entirely different issue)
-cost. it's so expensive. why drink something that could easily consume half of my food budget if habitual?
-taste/purpose. If alcohol itself doesn't taste good, why include it in an otherwise perfectly fine drink? If intoxication isn't the purpose of drinking, what is? Why drink something that serves no decent purpose in and of itself? Up to this point, basically, I viewed alcohol as at the best neutral and at the worst negative. Although I could forgive and accept those who consumed it, I didn't quite understand why they would toe the line of gray morality.
-the philosophy that drinking alcohol might cause another Christian "to stumble." I think most Christians are familiar with this logic.
But, I've slowly been realizing that these reasons, although perhaps partly based in logic, reason, and sound doctrine, do not entirely reflect the reality of the situation. And as all of my carefully constructed reasons against the consumption of alcohol disintegrated into self-admitted legalism, I realized it was time to "culture" myself.
So I bought a bottle of wine.
You should have seen me drink that first glass. (a few people experienced my "freak-out" on facebook). I was scrutinizing myself with every sip, waiting to feel some effect, waiting to start spilling my guts or start slurring my words, or typing slowly, or something. After all, alcohol is an at-best-neutral-at-worst-sinful thing, right?
I finished the glass, and apart from being maybe slightly more tired or relaxed or warm than I was when I started, I felt absolutely not a thing. I drank another glass. Nothing. (mind you, this took place over the course of at least an hour - no chugging for me).
As far as taste went, I wasn't overly impressed. Especially as time went on and the temperature of the wine increased, it became more and more something I was choking down just for the sake of choking it down. Which fit with my previous philosophy on the neutrality/negativeness of alcohol.
Over the course of the next three nights, I finished that bottle of wine. Not because I'm hopelessly addicted (lol), but because I bought it, "wasting" $10, and because it makes me feel warm, it relaxes my muscles, and hey, why not.
And I realized my previously held assumptions, although not entirely wrong (I don't plan to become a regular consumer of alcohol), were pretty ridiculous. I can drink two glasses of the stuff (two big glasses) without losing my sense of "me." I can even be productive and do homework while "under the influence." I don't like the taste or the cost or the potential of dependence on something, so I'm not planning to drink wine every night or even buy another bottle for a while. But I liked the way it made me feel - relaxed & warm. Before I bought the bottle of wine, my back and neck was a MESS. I was having tension headaches almost constantly. Interestingly enough, that is so much improved since drinking the bottle of wine over the past 4 days. Maybe coincidence, I'm not sure.
As far as causing Christians to stumble, I think that's hogwash. Sorry, but I'm not going to try to tiptoe around this one for the sake of those who disagree with me. You're welcome to disagree, because two years ago, I would have disagreed. But, I'm trying to imagine my former self watching my current self consume that bottle of wine. Sure, my former self would have judged my current self. Would my former self have stumbled? I don't think so. I think my former self would have just judged. Just decided that my current self is somehow less holy and less Christian because I drank that bottle of wine. My former self would have been justified in her legalism.
I do think that drinking alcohol with a former alcoholic who is trying to abstain entirely for entirely good reasons would fall under the definition of causing someone to stumble. Obviously. But I - *gasp* - drank that bottle of wine by myself.
So very sorry, childhood me, but I'm abandoning (and have abandoned) my hard-core alcohol-is-evil-I-will-never-drink-it-so-help-me-God mentality. I'm no longer afraid of it. When consumed in responsible moderation, it has no power over me.
I can - surprise of all surprises - drink on occasion and still be a Christian.
~~~
---after posting this, a friend pointed out the problem of chasing after "the feeling" that alcohol gives as a potential emotional addiction. I think this is a legitimate point, and would like to clarify that my section on "the feeling" that alcohol brings was not intended to imply that alcohol is the only way to achieve these results. I think a warm bath serves just as well. I just realized over the past few days that the "effects" of alcohol don't need to be viewed in a purely negative light.
~~~
---another side note. If I am to be completely honest, the most disquieting thing about the whole "bottle o' wine" experience was that I drank the bottle in four days. Not because I think it is in any way unhealthy in and of itself, but because I think it says something about my personality and my flaws. A "normal" person ascribing to a "drink on occasion" philosophy would probably take much longer to finish the bottle. When I latch onto something, I tend to latch on very easily. I don't always have the most self-control, and it's hard for me to do things "in moderation." Although I was not really tempted to "over-indulge" in one sitting, it was also very easy for me to drink the wine because it was there, sitting in my fridge, even though I didn't really like the taste. It's like coffee in many ways. I drink coffee just because it's sorta expected, not because I like it. Why do I do this? I'm not sure...mostly just because it's available. It is important to me to not always do things just because it's an option. This experience importantly reminded me of the importance of self control - not just in not getting drunk, but also in the generally more applicable act of abstaining from something just because it is not necessary.
Maybe a little like reality tv, or facebook. I need more self control all the time. :)
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