the end of the school road?

The last week has been strange, because things have been shifting very rapidly for me.

I am beginning to seriously question whether or not I will even apply to PhD programs. I just don't know if I am at a point in my life where I can say with any amount of certainty that another two to four years of school is what I want.

I guess I'm just coming to this weird place where I just want a normal life. I want to settle down somewhere. I don't want to be the "college student" anymore. I want to pay off my student loans from my undergrad and find a real job (even if it's flipping burgers somewhere). I want to learn to live as an adult that is not going to school. I want to be able to say if I do apply for PhD programs in the future that it was something I wanted more than anything else. I want to have tried the alternatives, and I want real-world experience beyond what simply moving to a new city and working summer jobs can offer me.

Although this is a somewhat bittersweet realization, it's definitely more sweet than bitter. It's bitter because my masters may very well be relatively worthless to me. It's sweet because I will have the chance to live a normal life. It's sweet because now the world is open to me in a whole new way than it was even when I moved out here to Bellingham.

Maybe I'll stay out here in Bellingham. Maybe I'll move back home(ish). Maybe I'll set out for Europe (ok, probably not). What I do know, though, is that if I ever do come back to the world of academia, it will be with the knowledge that it is the only thing for me.

And maybe this whole rant will be proved worthless when I go with plan A and apply to and get into a PhD program.

That's the beauty, I think, of not having a clue what the future holds. :)