Freedom

I don't know that I'll forget that weekend in Kansas City at the end of 2007. It changed my life, although not maybe in the ways originally thought.

I was at the beginning of my two year struggle with my faith, and it was intensely disorienting. I met my former roommate in Kansas City to attend OneThing (an IHOP conference). The weekend was really intense, and at the time it was just what was needed to restore my faith. The emotionally charged atmosphere convinced me of God's presence. Of course, looking back, I'm a bit more cynical. Mike Huckabee never saved America, for one. But that wasn't important at the time.

One of the things that came out of that conference that has perhaps had the largest long-term impact on my life came out of a time of "prophecy." During a time when all those who were twenty (I turned twenty that weekend) were supposed to identify themselves to be prophesied over, a woman who I had never met and never talked to afterward prophesied over me. Say what you will about it, but the things she felt God had placed on her heart to say to me were eerily specific to the things I had been thinking about/struggling with at the time. I don't remember what they all were, but one of the main things that came out of it was that I felt called to be a worship leader.

I have never felt specifically called to lead worship in a formal setting. I don't particularly like the politics of "worship," and I get really stressed out trying to please a diverse group of people with varying tastes in music and varying worship styles. I have, however, over the course of the last three and a half years since OneThing, felt a consistent calling to lead worship informally. I haven't often obeyed. In college my friends and I did informal worship times off and on, and it was incredible, but beyond that, I have ran away. I remember talking myself out of it many a time when I was living at home in South Dakota. I convinced myself that the people at my church wouldn't understand, or that it would be weird only having piano. And I let the time go by without obeying.

This time, I didn't escape. Oh, I tried, believe me. I put it off, put it off again, and hoped that it'd just go away. Of course, it didn't, because this time someone else had a similar idea. She and I are starting a monthly worship night at our church.

Last night I was terrified. Terrified to the point of...I don't even know how to describe it. It was a very dark place emotionally. I find my biggest insecurities revolve around being "in charge." I'd much rather someone else take the fall for anything that may go wrong. And yet, there's a strange sort of freedom in finally following what I believe God has called me to.

Dearest Savior,
I'm so sorry for my tendency to run full-speed in the opposite direction - both in this situation specifically and also in my faith-journey more generally. I'm sorry for letting my fears stop me from loving You and following You. I'm sorry for believing the lies, and I'm sorry for letting the darkness around me stop me from seeking the light. May my life be in some small, insignificant way glorifying to You. I will be satisfied if as a result of my life just one person comes to know You better. May I seek You more each day, and may this prayer be more than just words, more than just rhetoric. Thank You that my inadequacies, my insanity, my darkness matters not...that Your light is more than enough to extinguish the darkness...that, however it works, however crazy it is, You shine through me.
Your daughter,
Marilee