...blech...

Life as of late has been hard. Nothing overly specific has happened, but it has just been a really discouraging few weeks in general. I've been repeatedly confronted on every front with reminders of my failure, and I find myself often wondering what I'm doing with my life. I mean, I'm here...but the future is always looming, and it's so hard to stay in the present and be okay with the present.

I'm tired. Being brave takes so much energy, and it's like I ran out of energy about a week ago. I am afraid of my mediocrity and failure, afraid that it is going to land me with a masters' degree but nothing to show for it. I'm afraid that I don't belong here, that it's some sort of joke that I ended up here. I am constantly surrounded by brilliant people, and after a while I begin to wonder what I really have to offer. My grades, papers, everything is mediocre...and mediocrity isn't going to get me a PhD or a job. It'll just get me a job at Walmart. If I can even get that.

Not only am I stressed about school, but I am having trouble finding a job, which also reminds me of my failure. On top of that I find myself often stressed about leading worship team at church... not to mention that I live by myself in a random apartment in a random city in a random state thousands of miles away from home. As much as I wanted to be a social butterfly and make tons of friends, have a wonderful social life, be incredibly successful academically, meet "the one," fall hopelessly in love, and never have to be alone again, that just isn't how it works. My personality makes it hard for me to make friends, and my geography makes it hard for me to relate to the people around me. Furthermore, my mediocre intellect makes it hard for me to be anything but mediocre.

Really the last thing I have wanted to do is to talk about this. I don't want sympathy, I don't want concerned relatives or friends, I don't want any of that. This is something that sympathy will not help. I just need to...get over it. It's mostly in my head, and I need to refocus my emotions...I need to get over my pride...I need to remember why I'm here in the first place. The whole premise of this post is so flawed. But I needed to air all the thoughts anyway, if only so that I can realize what is so wrong with the way I'm thinking. Life isn't a competition, it's not always about success. No one will hate me but myself if I'm not a straight A student, and life will most definitely go on in one way or another after this. And I like living alone. I do. Sometimes. :)

I'm not gonna lie, though, for the first time I have started counting down to when I can leave Bellingham. Unfortunately, that's still 14 months away...at least.