Two days ago I was planning a whirlwind trip to Washington to search for apartments. Two days ago I had two roommates completely on board to move across the country with me. Two days ago life was perfect and I saw no good reason to claim that my life was anything but perfect. After all, who gets to move across the country with two of their best friends?
Well, it turns out that this will no longer be happening. No trip to Bellingham, and most likely no roommates. I can't wait around till they find jobs, and they can't move without having jobs. And so I cancel plans to visit my future home and instead begin the journey all over again - this time searching for one bedroom or studio apartments that are as cheap as humanly possible...it's the only way I will make this work. In a depressing way, I'm somewhat optimistic. I'm devastated that my carefully laid plans have blown away in what has amounted not much more than 24 hours, and I'm scared out of my mind to move alone to a city that I will have never visited before arriving for the start of classes. However, God has the whole world in His hands, and it is strangely relieving to be on my own...to not have to worry about roommates not finding jobs or suddenly needing to move away. It is relieving to know that I can make my own decision and not need to worry at all about other styles of doing things. It is relieving to know that when I leave Bellingham in two years I won't have to worry about offending my roommates, because I probably won't have roommates. And it is also relieving to realize that I will finally have my dream of starting completely over. No one needs to know my past heartbreaks, and I don't need to worry about being called Hitler (even if it is only a joke). I will be nameless and faceless in a city where I will have nothing to do except to pour myself wholly into my studies. I will have my own room, my own space, and my own life.
I will also be significantly more alone, more vulnerable, and I will miss my friends' presence like crazy. After all, the convenience of having one's own space is easily foregone if it means living with close friends. Silence can become deafening when it is one's only reality.
And so I begin planning anew, filled with a bittersweet optimism. God knows what He's doing, and He knows what I need. He holds my heart, He counts my tears, and His ways are better than my ways.
I will survive in this new place, I know I will. I will do whatever it takes to make it work, because this is my dream. I believe this to be my calling, and although I will give this dream back to God in a heartbeat if he calls me to such a decision, I believe that I am being called to study history, and I cannot wait to do so in a place such as Washington.
Alone or with others, I will go, God willing.
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