The Holiest of Coffees

My world is fragile.

Tonight I sat under a bright orange Dunkin Donuts umbrella watching a night sky that threatened rain with every pulse of lightning and gust of wind, my "All Sons and Daughters" Pandora station playing loudly in my ear, trying desperately not to cry.  I have these moments fairly commonly; I'm rarely strong.

Maybe it began a few minutes earlier in the parking lot of my church where I was informed that church was cancelled for a youth event; I could go there if I wanted instead.  I smiled and nodded, feigning interest, trying not to betray the fact that I'm not strong enough to do unexpected things on the fly, that when things don't go as I planned them in my head I automatically shut down emotionally.  I'm sure the youth event was inspired, I'm sure it was amazing.  But I'm just as sure I might have collapsed entirely.

Jesus came with me to Dunkin.  The Spirit sang over me as I sipped coffee and breathed in second hand smoke.

My world is fragile.  

My world is different than it was a few short months ago.  I love this man, and it means that the things I've always struggled with are present now in crazy proportions.  I've always depended on people, now I depend on one person more than I ever have.  It's both wonderful and terrible.  I have to learn that sometimes he's there and sometimes he's not, and that somehow, I have to be okay without him.

I want to hide behind words, behind poetry.  I don't want to be real, to admit that sometimes relationships hurt.  Even if they hurt because of how wonderful they are.

I don't have to be strong, I just have to lean on Jesus.

My world is fragile.

Every week going to church is a struggle for me.  I would like to think it's not because I'm a wayward sinner, although I know it's because I'm a sinner.  Every week it's hard for me to lay aside my pride and remain teachable.  It's a struggle for me to remember that I don't have all the answers.  It's almost impossible to set aside anger, to love people whose views are so far removed from mine.

I want to say that it's worth it.

Sometimes it is.

But sometimes I just almost lose my sanity and sometimes I get so angry and sometimes it just hurts. 

But then Jesus shows up.  I see him in my brothers and sisters whose views are so antithetical to my own.

My world is fragile.

I don't love my coworkers like I should.  I don't stay out of the drama like I should.  I don't work as hard as I should.  I don't reflect Jesus like I should.  I'm too busy with work; I'm not involved enough at work.  I remain emotionally aloof when God calls me to be present.

My world is fragile.

Every day it threatens to fall apart.

And yet...He is strong.

It is enough.