This, the time when the federal government shuts down and I find myself temporarily unemployed, is a season of rest and recuperation, a season of a slower pace, a season to reflect. Today I found myself at the waterfront with my Bible and my journal and The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer and some music playing in my iPod. I couldn't help but breathe deeply of the beautiful fall air, reminded that even in this season of uncertainty, God is all around. He's holding me, and He's got this all under control.
I reflected, too, on the last few months. Crazy months they have been, as I have learned to love another. I've been largely silent on this, and it's been a season of so much uncertainty as I learn to trust God and love another. And it's been a season of joy, too, so much joy. Because, you see, there's this boy. And he's kinda stolen my heart.
It has been a season of journal entries kept hidden for such a time as this:
***
July 4, 2013
It is fitting that I am alone on this, the fourth night of July, 2013. So much of my life has been lived alone. I remember so clearly that night freshman year of college when life came crashing in and I wrote of the fundamental loneliness of life. That has been proved true countless times in the years that have passed since then. I have no doubt that life will continue in this vein. We try so hard to mask the loneliness, we seek so many things to distract us from our individuality and the enforced independence that results.
There is, in the final analysis, no escape. I am coming to believe that part of life's challenge is to come to terms with this loneliness. There will never be a cure, never be a moment when we overcome the individual nature of life.
It is this reality that drives us to love. To live our lives for another, for the individuals that surround us. To struggle for community even when to achieve unadulterated community is impossible.
July 16, 2013
The music swirls softly about me as I ponder the words on my heart, the words that aren't quite making it through the pen onto this paper. These words yet unspoken captivate my heart, pushing at its borders, wanting release. Will they have their way?
Emotion overwhelms my heart, and there is no release for it. There are no words.
~~~
The night was beautiful. A slight breeze chased away the Georgian summer's unrelenting humidity and bugs, and wisps of clouds flitted across the sky, obscuring and revealing the stars in turn. This was my wilderness place not so many months ago. I sat here alone with God, watching a magnificent sunset, feeling the presence of God and receiving the peace my heart so desperately needed.
And now I was back in this place so full of God, the fabric of the universe stretched taut, bursting at the seams with the unrelenting love of a God who will yet restore His broken creation. I had never truly walked this life alone, but tonight another sat at my side. My heart filled with an indescribable emotion. This was happiness, walking no longer alone.
~~~
The words won't quite come yet. It is yet too early. Premature words are no words at all. And so the season of silence stretches on, taking me with it.
***
They talk about love like it's falling. I always thought that it was more like jumping. Surrendering control, letting myself put my confidence in another. It turns out that love is cyclical, multifaceted, impossible to pin down. Love begins as a wavering candle, grows in certainty until it overtakes me. Love is a sacrifice of oneself and an indescribable gift from God.
***
In the end, this is my prayer:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
So much is written about love, so much of our culture is obsessed with it. May my love always look to Jesus as an example. May I be intentional in my love. May my love never end.
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