confessions of she who is perpetually single

I remember being twenty-one.  It was a strange time in life, I felt so old and yet I was so young.  I felt so much pressure when in reality there was so little.  I remember feeling left behind when really I was running with the pack.  I remember the pain of loving and letting go, the pain of the first glimpses of the perpetual reality of my single hood.

That was nowhere near the beginning, though.

I remember being fourteen.  I remember making a decision not to date in high school.  I was not even in high school yet, but it was the "holy" thing to do, so I made the commitment   I would not be dating until I walked across the stage for my diploma.  High school was easy in the boy arena.  I wasn't looking, and so it whisked by in a blur of light-hearted crushes and hope for the future.

That wasn't even the beginning.

I remember being eleven.  I remember my friends developing crushes, getting boyfriends.  I remember not "getting it."  At all.  Why were these girls dating boys?  We were eleven, for goodness' sake.  We were just beginning and yet we were acting like adults.  I knew even then that dating, for me, would always be about finding "the one."

Maybe that was the beginning.  Those opening years of adolescence, when my way-too-old soul decided that dating was not just a casual activity.  I remember the painful transition from "not looking" to "looking" as I moved away from home to go to college.  I remember coming to terms with the fact that my college years were slipping by and I had yet to even go on a date.  I remember knowing for the first time that I would graduate from school without a single prospect of a husband.

I remember conversations with friends.  Conversations about how God was preparing me, how I wasn't ready yet, how I needed to be content.  Only when I was fully satisfied in God would He give me a husband.  I remember thinking how ridiculous that felt to me.  "Okay, God, I'm satisfied, fully satisfied, in You.  Now, can I have a husband?  I mean, I'm satisfied, I promise.  But I want a husband.  Not more than I want You, of course.  Of course not.  That would just be silly.  Oh, crap, God...make me truly satisfied in You, not just satisfied in You so You'll bring me a man."

It was all so stupid.

You know, I don't think I ever became fully satisfied in God.

Instead, I continued striving to love God with my whole life, and in the meantime, life happened.  I moved thousands of miles from home and pursued something I was passionate about.  And I think it was during my two years in graduate school that I first came to appreciate the beauty of the single life.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have spent all but two and a half weeks of my life single, unless a casual date or two counts as "not single."  I say this not for pity, but so that you understand.  I've learned how to be alone.  I've learned the painful reality of unrequited interest.  I've learned to appreciate what life has to offer outside the arena of men.  I've learned to be a stellar friend, how to take care of myself, and how to navigate this world alone.

There are beautiful things to be had from life, regardless of whether or not God ever places a man in my life.  I want that more than I want most other things, and yet, I am starting to imagine a life where I seek God and follow Him no matter what, and that imagining doesn't always include a guy.  It's beginning to include dreams of potential careers, potential locations.

Because here's the thing.

I think from the beginning, or at least from the moment when my friends started having boyfriends, I walked down a different path.  A path that didn't include boys, at least in the same way as most of my friends.  I chose to see dating as a very serious thing indeed.  And then I chose to not partake until I was an adult.  And by the time I became adult, it was too late.  Too late for flirtation and casual dates and a carefree approach.  Does part of me regret this?  Sure.  I'd love to be married.

And yet, marriage is not the only way to live a fulfilling life.I never realized this as an adolescent and younger adult.

I thought the older single ladies at my church were probably sad and lonely.
I thought that I'd never be able to cope in the big wide world without a man to take care of me.
I thought God surely had someone waiting for me, because I deserved it or something.

Boy, was I wrong.

And I'm happy.  Lonely sometimes, longing for more out of life sometimes, uncertain about where I'm headed sometimes, scared sometimes.  But I'm realizing more and more that being married would fix none of this.

Life sucks, my friends.

But it's beautiful, too, and I know for certain that I don't want to wait to find "the one" for my life to begin.

It has already begun.