further reflections on my status as a feminist

Dear non-feminists,

Last night's post was, I do admit, a bit abrasive.  It was scary for me to be honest, and my fear at times comes out in verbal aggression.  A war of words, if you will.

I wrote what I believe.  I did not, however, write what I believe is the truth.  I'm not sure what the truth is.  I feel very pulled each way.  I feel the realities of my life as an independent women as well as the observed realities of most Christian marriages standing in stark contrast to the ideals that Christians profess about men being "the head" of women.  I've seen women lead, and I've seen them lead effectively.  I've seen women submit to men, and I've seen that to be beautiful in certain contexts as well.

I've read the Bible as God's personal letter to me in 2012 and I've read the Bible as an inspired historic document that reflects God's interactions with people in a different place and time than I.  I've danced the conservative dance, I've danced the liberal dance.  I currently find myself caught in the middle.

But certain things I do know.  One of those things is that I don't fit.  I have vastly different beliefs than my closest friends all over the country.  And for so long I've hid from that fact.  Pretended to be what I wasn't feeling.  Hid behind my knowledge of conservative culture while avoiding honestly admitting how I felt.  Compromised.

My difference is so hard to deal with, because I am the sort of person who always, always, always finds common ground with people.  If two people are fighting, I will find the common ground and point it out so that the tension can dissolve.

But the honest truth is, I want to hash this out.  I want to figure it out.  I want to be decidedly feminist or decidedly not.  I think part of that requires prayer, part of that requires time, part requires study, and part requires conversation.  Real, honest, and maybe even sometimes hard conversation.

How do I go back to the "conservative" me, though?  I feel hopelessly stuck.  Stuck in a mind that has been trained as a historian.  Stuck in a mind that rationalizes things in a very particular way.  Stuck in a mind that, quite frankly, has a very hard time relating to most of my fellow-believers.

I dunno.  I just don't know.  People tend to disagree with that which they don't understand, or with that which they fear.  I fear a world where I'm subordinate, where certain roles are expected of me, roles I can't fulfill.  I fear a world where things are abrasive, certain, and closed.  I find myself a hopeless product of the environment in which I came of age: academia.  I fear the possibility - or rather, the certainty - that all of my head knowledge is utter foolishness in the face of God.

And so I want you to know this:

I don't know.  I have no idea what God wants from me as a woman.  I have no idea how he feels about feminism.  I have no idea just how sinful I am being right now (and probably quite so).  I want you to know that I respect your opinion, no matter what it is.  I understand why you believe that men are supposed to lead women.  I understand why you believe that women and men should lead together.  And understanding both sides is what torments me.

God, forgive me.