Tonight I attended a new church. I knew at least half of the people in attendance; they are my bible study group. For that reason I felt like I had come home. The people I love most here in my new home were surrounding me, and it felt like family transplanted to a new building.
The service (or "experience" as they call it) was not my style, which is not at all to knock what they do there, just to state that my church background is very different in terms of music and the service itself. The music was sorta weird (very loud and one song was all about dancing - I DON'T DANCE) and there was tons of pressure to clap (I DON'T CLAP). They even handed out ear plugs. They had bright lights that they had pointed at the crowd, and they'd flash them in time to the music. I felt like I was being watched, but only for a half second at a time every second. I felt out of my element - awkward and distracted. I couldn't read my Bible, I couldn't journal, two things that I love to do during worship time. I was stuck standing in a dark room with flashing bright lights and crazy music.
The point of this, though, is not how much I didn't relate to the worship style. In fact, in the final analysis, I can fully appreciate the fact that I didn't identify with the worship style. You see, I've been struggling with so many things related to my faith lately. Wading through a lot of questions about what it means to follow Jesus - truly FOLLOW Him, not just pray a prayer and believe a creed. I've been wondering if I even know what discipleship really means, and I've been wondering if I have what it takes to die to myself. I've basically, in a nut shell, been questioning my salvation. I've somewhat lost the ability to emotionally connect with God (although I've been that way for years now, if I'm to be completely honest). Prayer is a gigantic effort for me, because I don't feel like God's listening. Or anyone, for that matter.
It would have been way too easy to put those questions aside if I had related to the worship style. I could have let myself go into "worship mode" (whatever that even means) and feel the emotions of souring melody lines and soulful piano. It would have been great, but I wouldn't have been faced with the glaringly obvious truth that confronted me tonight: I am a failure at the pious part of being a Christian. Sure, I read my Bible most every day. Sure, I don't swear. Sure, I go to Bible study every week. But sometimes it feels like my relationship with God is so very distant.
I was writing in my journal just this morning, in fact; wondering how it is I am supposed to go about following Jesus. What does He call me to? How am I to know his voice among all the voices? I realized this morning that I can relate so well to Peter. He follows Jesus around for years, and then as Jesus is on trial, Peter splits. Denies even knowing Jesus. Can't back up his relationship with Jesus with real action.
Tonight the pastors of the church gave their testimonies. The first pastor talked about how at one point in his life he had felt like Peter. At this point in his story, I knew that this was meant for me. Because it's so true. I deny Jesus, and yet Jesus calls me to follow him. Peter's denial of Jesus wasn't the end of the story.
I feel like I'm sort of treading water in life right now. Holding onto my faith, reading my Bible every day, but never really going anywhere. I'm not really letting the Bible saturate my soul. It leaks in here and there but for the most part I just quickly skim a chapter a day so I can feel like I'm being somewhat of a good Christian.
I have to believe that if I truly pursue God, He will change my heart, and more importantly to me at this point in my life, He will change my actions. I have to believe that if I get to know the Word of God, it will transform me from the inside out. I have to believe that, because the alternative is a life where I desperately attempt to do good in a vain attempt to please God and earn my salvation.
If you would like to do some sort of in depth Bible study with me, either in person or over skype, let me know. I can't do this alone. I know myself too well, and I know that I will fall back into reading simply to read. I basically really need an accountability partner or two. I would also love to memorize Scripture with someone, if anyone is interested in that. I would ask people individually, but I want this to be something you want just as much as I do. So I'll just post a link to my blog and let you come to me if this is something you're interested in. Please do.
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