Have you ever had one of those moments (or a "moment" extended over a few days) where you felt as if the way you viewed the world was shifting so rapidly and so entirely that nothing could ever be the same again?
I have had similar sensations before, when the Spirit of God was moving in my heart, changing the way that I thought in big ways. But this is somehow different. Although I do not know exactly where this path is leading me, I do know it is leading me to a place where I will not be the same.
It's scary, because change isn't change unless accompanied by action. At what conclusions will I arrive, and what action will that require of me? Only God knows. But I pray that I will be equal to the challenge. For it's easy to think, so hard to act.
As I was writing this, I flipped open Bonhoeffer's Letters and Papers to a poem entitled "The Friend." The fourth verse reads as follows:
When the spirit touches
man's heart and brow
with thoughts that are lofty, bold, serene,
so that with clear eyes he will face the world
as a free man may;
when then the spirit gives birth to action
by which alone we stand or fall;
when from that sane and resolute action
rises the work that gives a man's life
content and meaning -
then would that man,
lonely and actively working,
know of the spirit that grasps and befriends him,
like waters clear and refreshing
where the spirit is cleansed from the dust
and cooled from the heat that oppressed him,
steeling himself in the hour of fatigue -
like a fortress to which, from confusion and danger,
the spirit returns,
wherein he finds refuge and comfort and strengthening,
is a friend to a friend.
I am particularly struck by Bonhoeffer's repeated reference to action, for that is what I feel compelled toward. Action.
I arrived in Bellingham a year ago tonight. My first months here were characterized by nearly unprecedented passion for sharing my hope and faith with all who I came across. I don't know if that passion always translated into action in the way I would have hoped, but emotionally speaking I was standing on a high mountain. I remember talking to a very dear friend a while back about the delicate balance between faith/emotion and action/deeds. My friend was at a point in life where she was focusing on her relationship with God, and I was at the opposite end of the spectrum, feeling a pull to works, not as a means of salvation but as the only real expression of my faith. We talked about how interesting it was that both perspectives are so important, and that we were learning exactly the opposite at the same time.
You see, not so long ago I came out of a period of intense doubting of my faith, and at times even the very existence of God. One of the things I learned through this time was that my faith had to be a conscious choice - not just an emotion to be fed by my environment. Perhaps that is one of the biggest lessons I've learned here in Washington. I may not always "feel" God. In fact, I may never again be certain of his presence in the sense that I used to be so certain that the emotions I felt were proof of God's existence and physical/spiritual nearness. As I have been realizing in the past few days, the "absence of God" may be the very real consequence of pursuing "enlightened" learning.
And yet, I believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that He came to die, and that he rose again for the forgiveness of sins. And this creed compels me to live my life as an act of worship.
All through college I struggled with the nature of emotion in worship. I wondered how much of "worship" was me, and how much was actually the Holy Spirit. What if I was missing the point entirely? What if God isn't in the emotion, isn't in the obvious, isn't in the powerful? What if he's in the weak, the sorrowful, and in the broken? What if He can be truly found only in and through righteous action on behalf of the "least of these?"
I was so challenged by something I was reading last night. I can't remember if it was a direct quote by Bonhoeffer, or something the blogger (for part of the series I'm talking about, see this link. Links to the entire series can be found here. http://experimentaltheology.blogspot.com/2010/12/letters-from-cell-92-part-3-world-come.html ) who was extensively quoting Bonhoeffer said, because at times the two intersected very closely. But in any case the blogger argued that Bonhoeffer believed that worship and prayer and acts of personal piety were to be done in secret - that the church needed to keep secret and mystery in its worship of God, and that all the world should see is a heart of love for the hurting and downtrodden. Not in a cultish no-one-can-know-what-we-really-think sort of way, but in the "don't pray on the street corners to be seen by men" sort of way.
That resonated with me in a big way. Not only did it make that teaching of Jesus come to life for me, but it also seems to me to really make sense. My non-Christian friends aren't going to be impressed by my attempts to save their souls. They're not going to be convinced by me into belief. They may, though, be moved by love. By selflessness and sacrifice. By crying for justice in a world that spurns justice in favor of selfish pursuit of self. Only in loving the hurting and in advocating for the oppressed can we make a real difference in this hopeless world.
For the Messiah did not come as a King. He wasn't popular, he wasn't handsome. He didn't come to make a name for himself, and he wasn't successful by any worldly terms of measurement. He came as a suffering servant, and he was rejected by his Father. He shed his divinity to take on the sin of the world. He brought hope through selfless action on behalf of the hopeless. But most of all, we did not recognize him.
Do we recognize him yet? Have we made Jesus into a powerful King when the miracle of the incarnation is that Jesus suffers still, forgotten and abused? "For I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat..." (Matthew 25:35)
Most important of all, what will I do with this new understanding of my "calling" as a follower of a suffering, humble Christ who did not come to be served by to serve and give His life as a ransom for many? What ramifications does this have for my life?
Here are some thoughts:
1) I must make tangible, immediate, and sacrificial steps toward doing as Jesus did. I must seek out ways to love and serve the poor, the hungry, and the broken. Whatever the cost.
2) My Christianity may not look like the Christianity of others. I must stop making "sharing my faith" into a spiritual "battle." I must quit making my life about trying to convert people to my side and instead love and serve everyone I meet, in secret.
3) My faith should not be characterized by church. My faith should be characterized by action in the world on behalf of Jesus. In fact, I am ministering to Jesus when I feed the hungry or clothe the naked. While it is important for me to maintain "a relationship" with God, and while prayer and Scripture reading/study are vitally important, these things are not an end in and of themselves. Not swearing and watching only clean movies and tv are great things, but if these things are what make me a "good Christian," woe is me. My checklist of do's and don't's can no longer define my life. Action must define me. No more excuses.
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26-27)
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