perceptions

I have been thinking lately about perceptions. I find myself often preoccupied with wondering how people view me. It is so important to me to be liked and accepted, and I often wonder how different the way I view myself is from the way that others view me. This seems to be a relatively common preoccupation, and in many ways it's a shame. It's especially when this focus on one's self becomes so overpowering that anything others say is misconstrued to be some sort of insult.

Often, I'll go through my days with a nearly overwhelming sense of inadequacy. I will look back on conversations I had and regret the way I portrayed myself or my faith. I feel bad for gossiping (and often am not sure when a harmless conversation crosses the line into gossip) or feel as if I should have said more or less, depending on the situation.

One time, at the end of a conversation that I had felt iffy about the entire time, I was paid a huge compliment. My mind was pretty much blown. I mean, I felt as if I had messed up, that I shouldn't have shared as much of myself, that I had looked like a jerk and a fool. And yet, this friend didn't seem to view the conversation in that light at all... it was so hard to process that. Why did she feel so differently? Was my sense of guilt legitimate? Was her view of me a result of me portraying myself in an dishonest or boastful way?

Life is all about perceptions. In that way, it's all hazy and undefined. Everything is a matter of perspective and perception. From what angle do I view myself and the world, and how does that angle prevent me from seeing the bigger, fuller picture? At the end of the day, I need to let go of any need to be perceived in a certain way, because it's all transitory and shadowy anyway.