confidence

A few nights ago, I was sitting at my dining room table (aka card table) doing some reading for my American Slavery class, when suddenly the pressures of being a Modern Europe person at a place with little to no modern Europe professors got to me. I suddenly realized that I should probably just switch to early United States history and study religion. It has seemed for so long as though the Nazi Germany door is closing, and as though I should probably jump ship while I still can. As I contemplated making that rather huge move, I wasn't thrilled. I felt as though I was losing something that has become fundamental to who I am. But, lots of people do things for work that they're not 100% passionate about. Life moves on. I began telling people that I was pretty serious about switching. I continued to go to German class, but my heart wasn't as in it anymore.

Making the mental switch caused me to realize some things about myself. I really, really like religious history. Why do people do the things they do when at least some of them have to be Christian people? What does it mean to be a Christian, and how does it impact decisions and reactions?

Yesterday morning, something changed. I made a sort of commitment to living confidently. To knowing who I am and that what I have to offer, both personally and spiritually, is significant. That even though I may not be the smartest, the best read, or the smoothest talker, I have something to share with the world. I went to European Cultural History, and for one of the first times, I admitted in class that I am deeply religious. My admittance of this fact resulted in a conversation that for the first time, I felt as if I had had a part in making. Many times I leave class feeling as though the class came to a conclusion with which I could not relate or agree. This time was different. My confidence and assertiveness changed everything.

I went home last night, and out of nowhere, I realized what I want to write my thesis on. This was the single most liberating realization that I have had in some time. Peace filled me as I realized that the doors may be opening again...

I want to study German religious history in the context of Nazi Germany.