my thoughts on history

It's been an intense few last days.

It all started on Monday night in class (It always seems to come from that class). In the process of discussing the need to keep in mind that the people groups we study might actually believe that the supernatural has agency (*gasp!*), the self-proclaimed "stubborn atheist" in the class started speaking up about how he simply couldn't comprehend why we should have to keep such things in mind since it's horribly misguided to think that the supernatural even exists, much less has agency in the world. I was simultaneously sitting there pondering my own experiences (quite opposite) as a committed Christian. I read things written about Christianity by historians who, although their personal beliefs remain somewhat mysterious, are required by the very nature of the profession to keep these beliefs out of the discussion and instead look for material causes and at most human agents. Causal forces must have evidence. (Of course, I don't believe that Christianity is without historical evidence, but that's a battle for another day.)

I left class horribly depressed, convinced that class period meant the end of graduate studies for me. I seriously pondered the ramifications of dropping out at the end of this term and trying to find a job here in a city where the bad economy has certainly taken a toll. I tried to imagine what on earth I would do if not history. And, as the emotion of the moment wore off, I realized that such hasty decisions are hardly wise, and that it is okay to stick it out, at least for the moment until I get things figured out.

The last few days have been consumed with homework, but in the back of my mind is a nearly constant conversation going on about such things. What am I doing here? Why didn't I speak up in class? Would that really have accomplished anything? Does it matter that it might not have accomplished anything? Am I really in any sort of position to serve God in this place, or am I simply getting sucked into a mindset that I want no part of? I'm not sure.

These questions have no answers. (Well, they do, but I have not figured out the answers, nor do I think I ever will, at least entirely.) But I must ask them nonetheless, because to not ask them might mean I have lost sight of my calling as a Christian in a secular world.

I think that the questions that historians are asking are based on what they truly see in the world. In a world without God, their questions are legitimate. I also believe that there are parts of the theories that I am learning that are important to remember...namely the parts about humanity's flaws. It is hard to constantly walk the line of agreement and disagreement. I empathize with the flaws in humanity. We constantly warp history to our own benefit. We are unable to know what really happened in the past, but we like to pretend that we do know. We read our own culture and mindset onto the past, when really the past is in a world of its own. We try to make history into a science when really there is little scientific about it. Humanity writes a narrative of its past that tells the story of how we got to the present, but the very fact that we have the present in mind warps what we remember and don't remember. Selectivity in what we tell and don't tell about the past has a huge impact on its truthfulness. And yet, there are also huge problems with the fact that history, as a science of sorts, is compelled to leave God out of the picture. Am I strong enough to stand in the gap? Am I strong enough to be different? Do I have the necessary intellect to make compelling arguments for a history that gives God agency? Perhaps not - but I am reminded of Moses - God used him in spite of his flaws in speech to bring about massive change.

And, at the end of the day, this life is not about this life. It's about the next one. Does it matter if I create massive change? No, I probably won't. I might not even convince one person. But that does not change my calling to be in the world but not of it. It does not change my calling to serve, love, and worship God with everything I do. God is the only One who can effect change in this world that is so far beyond the control of humanity. Yes, capitalism has created an economy that leaves the world powers of today with very little control over the market. Yes, there is so little, if nothing, that we can do to control our destiny. We are at the mercy of forces beyond us. And into this mess God steps down, showing His power in His ability to transform lives for His kingdom. Praise be to His name.

I desire these words to be more than words. I want to live this mindset. I want to live humbly before my God, remembering each and every day that my thoughts, my ideas, my theories crumble in the face of the Almighty. I want to point my colleagues to Him. I want to be bold, but not in a prideful "I must be right" sort of way. I want to be bold because of my identity as one redeemed from death by the blood of Jesus. This is my calling.