The week started out poorly on Monday night, as I already wrote about in my last post. By the time I wrote that post, though, (Wednesday morning) I had mostly figured things out. Life was resuming some sort of normalcy, and I was once again ready to conquer the world.
That all got shot down on Wednesday afternoon. Things started out alright - I talked to the graduate advisor and got my plan of study taken care of - it has been approved - I'm all set! She also happens to be my Canadian class professor, so I talked to her about my paper for that class and left feeling rather optimistic about my chances of success in that class. I also needed to talk to the professor for my theory class - I was hopelessly lost about what to even write my final paper about, and the only solution was to go in and talk to him. I wasn't looking forward to it. At all. He's a really nice guy, but there's something about him that scares me to death. I was right to be scared. I walked in, and things started out relatively okay - with him giving me some pointers on the paper. It was rather humiliating, though...I am so intimidated by him that I completely freeze and lose my ability to say anything intelligent. I made the mistake of telling him that I struggle with remembering what the books said...so I think he assumed that I'm completely lost and don't understand anything in the class - aka I shouldn't even be in grad school. So after talking about the paper, he asked me if I was alright - he said I had seemed quiet in class lately. This was a huge blow - because I try to talk in class, and I do...at least a few times throughout the class period - and this last week was a larger class (both sections met together) so I didn't feel like it was a bad thing that I had only spoken twice or three times. He obviously either a) didn't remember that I had contributed or b) didn't think it was enough. This was devastating to me on so many levels. It implied that he doesn't think I'm contributing enough. My grade (30% in fact) is dependent on my participation in class discussion - and so I am very deliberate about trying my hardest to contribute to conversation...because it could mean the difference on my grade. I had thought I was doing alright, so that I could just focus on making the final paper really good. Now all of that is thrown out the window, because the professor doesn't seem to think I'm contributing enough. Now even if I got an A on my final paper (which might be impossible if the professor thinks I'm not very smart) my particpation grade might be what keeps me from an A in the class. And I NEED an A in this class - if I don't do well in classes in grad school (as in get As) it will be hard for me to move on to a PhD - or at least a PhD at a reputable school. As I sat in his office, I was trying so hard not to cry, and I did succeed.
It didn't get any better though - he then started grilling me on why I was at grad school, telling me that if I wasn't absolutely convinced that this is what I want, that I should leave. Um? I'm here...doesn't that mean I want it? Evidently not. He spent about five minutes at least on this topic - asking me what I want to do with my degree and telling me that it will be very hard to get a job and I might end up working for the government in a non-teaching job - especially if I'm not good enough. (implying that he seems to have doubts that I am good enough) It was so so so hard. I tried to tell him that I am passionate about this and that I do want this and that I can't see myself doing anything else. Maybe he believed me - but I don't think he did. I was so petrified by him that I'm pretty sure I didn't sound very convincing.
The only redeeming factor is that he's an American Revolution historian...meaning that I won't have to deal with him after this class. If I can prove myself to the modern Europe people, I might have a chance.
It brought so many insecurities of mine to the surface, though, and I have been trying to recover some sense of normalcy ever since that conversation. At the end of the day, I'm not certain that history is where I will end up - and that is hard for me. I like to know what the future holds, and I don't. I didn't even try to explain to the professor that I'm a Christian and that this fact changes EVERYTHING about how I look at life. I'm here because I feel called to be here. I am here because God brought me here, because I am serving God here (or trying to). I'm going into history because I trust that God has my future in His hands - so all that talk about no jobs etc has little impact on what I choose to do. Making money is not my driving motivation.
I've been considering dropping out. Not seriously considering it, but running the scenario through my head. What would I do? I have no idea. The thing is, my whole life I have felt pulled toward the secular arena. I have been disturbed by the departmentalization that goes on in Christianity. It bothers me that Christians serve God in Christian organizations. It bothers me that to be a missionary one is required to join a Christian organization where one's witness is part of one's job description. I hate that God is pushed out of the secular arena. I hate that as a teacher in a public school one is limited in one's witness. This is not to say that I have a problem with people who work for Christian organizations. Not at all. But for me, I feel called to stand up for God in a world in which He is no longer welcome. That is why I am here - because God isn't here (well, He is here, but He is not recognized). But part of me wants to "cop out" (at least as far as what I have always felt called to do) and become a missionary, or work for a Christian organization. That would be the easy road (for me). It's not hard to be a Christian in a place where it is required in order to get a pay check. It is hard in a place where Christianity is not welcome. And it is to that place where I feel compelled to go. So I CAN'T drop out (or at least that is how I feel) because to do so would be to take the easy road. I'm not sure if this feeling is right or not...but it is how I feel, and it is what I'm basing my decisions on.
On a slightly related (but not really) note:
I've been reading CS Lewis and Bonhoeffer in my spare time (ha!) and have been very struck by a few things. 1) they are both very wise...and were probably insanely compelling in their day. 2) there are many ways in which the culture they speak to and the things they address are no longer relevant in this culture. This is kinda crazy to say (and some may not agree with me) because CS Lewis is always looked to as this can-do-no-wrong-almost-Biblical sorta guy. But I'm reading Mere Christianity, and sometimes I can not help but feel as if his arguments are for another time...the modern age...the 50s. The heart of what he is saying still holds true, but in an apologetics sense it is not quite as relevant. Morality simply isn't what it was in the 50s. In the 50s people had much more of a "respectable" code. People wanted to be seen as respectable. People in 2010 could care less much of the time. The 1960s (and on) fundamentally changed society, I think. Things that were obviously wrong in the 50s are not so obviously wrong anymore...and that means that when Lewis appeals to the sense that something is obviously wrong, it no longer holds water for the unbeliever today. I wonder if there's anyone writing today in his style and to his level but who addresses the issues of mere Christianity in a world where Christianity is no longer dominant culturally. Same thing with Bonhoeffer. He has this section in Life Together where he talks about what a worship service should be like. He is very clear that it is not ok to sing harmony while singing hymns. He goes on about it for at least a page. I had to laugh. I think the heart of what he is saying is right on - harmony could tend to distract from worship. But, it was completely from another time. That is only one example. He has a chapter where he details what a worship service should be like, and some of it is so culturally based that it is completely unrelevant to today's culture.
I am drawn to such things (apologetics). I want to write...I want to do this whole blogging thing, except professionally. I am drawn to Nazi Germany for the moral questions it poses - and I feel like the field of history allows me a valuable way of approaching these questions. I am not in grad school (I don't think) for the same reasons that other people are here. I'm here because of a fundamental struggle with apologetics. I'm here because I feel like history offers a valuable lesson for today. And I'm here because God has called me to this place (for this time at least).
Anyway...I covet your prayers. It's getting really hard to be here - I feel so alone sometimes. The deeper I go into this stuff, the less I can relate to other people. That's hard, because I learn and grow through conversation, and I simply can't talk to people about this because they have other, more practical, concerns. And even if I was still in the midwest, I'd still be alone. It's not entirely a geographical thing. It's the loneliness of academia. My calling has brought me to a place where I have to wrestle with these questions largely on my own. I can't talk to professors about it because they don't believe the same things I do, at all. That is so alienating...my history theory professor asked me what was wrong - and if he was a Christian I could have told him...but because he isn't, he wouldn't understand at all. As a Christian I sometimes feel as if I have to do twice the amount of thinking as everyone else. I have to apply everything I am learning to my faith - to measure it against what I know to be true...but then I have to leave that mostly behind when writing my papers - because if I turned my history papers into something like what I blog about it wouldn't at all be an academic paper. That's a long rambling way of saying that I feel entirely isolated on so many levels.
It's humbling to admit that things are hard. It's humbling to admit that I need prayer. But I was reading CS Lewis today, and he had some good things to say about the evils of pride. There are so many things about the last few days that were a necessary wake-up call - a humbling experience if you will. And, so, I humbly ask you to be praying for me. I need God's help more than ever before, because I mess it up so horribly on my own strength (which is non-existent). Anyway, my prayer requests: I ask that you pray that God would have His way with me. I ask you to pray that God will bring people into my life who can walk this journey with me (if that is His will - maybe this is something I have to do on my own). I ask you to pray that I will have wisdom and courage to live radically and unashamedly in a world that is so lost. Thank you.
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