honesty

So I have come to the place where there's very little else to say than what's really on my mind. I feel like I've been hiding for the past few months; out of shame, out of fear, and out of anger. I can't do it anymore.

My heart has been broken for the past year and three months. I used to tell almost anyone who would listen of my woes. I don't anymore, largely because I'm ashamed.

There was someone I cared about very much, and because of the way things went, I found myself with no other choice than to end our friendship. For the next six months things spiraled out of control as a direct result of this choice I made, and I found myself questioning it like nothing else I have faced in my life. It took me a long, long while, but I eventually managed to rationally assure myself that I did the right thing. Rationally assuring oneself of the rightness of a decision does not, however, stop the emotional consequences. I'm still not okay. It's a mixture of so many things. I miss this person, my best friend. My heart is broken because I caused my friend so much pain by my decision. And I find myself scarred by some of the things that happened as my friend reacted to my decision.

The pain that I'm working through has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I am so frustrated that I'm still dealing with it. I've begged God for healing so many times, and I've journaled, wept, screamed, questioned, and poured out my heart to God so many times...and still I walk through the darkness. Sometimes I wonder if the darkness will ever go away. This is a devastating question to ask, because I want so badly to be free. I want to forget, I want to heal, I want to move on. And yet I find myself broken all the same.

In the words of a beautiful Superchic(k) song, I want so badly for there to be beauty from my pain. I trust that one day the light will come, that one day I will be able to look back and see God's hand at work in my life. I catch glimpses of it every once and a while even now, and it gives me the strength to press on.

I feel sometimes like my relationship with God is struggling because of this. I struggle to see God in it, especially as the darkness stretches on without end. At first it was easy to cling to Jesus, but I am losing my strength and losing my focus. I'm becoming weary of waiting for deliverance. And I hate myself for that. I keep asking myself why it is my heart is still broken and why God isn't coming to my aid...maybe the answer lies in my own avoidance of the only one who offers me any real hope.