looking back

Have you ever had an experience that made you live like a person who you used to be but no longer are? I had one of those experiences recently. I came away from it suddenly absorbed in a world I had nearly forgotten about. Ashamed because I felt as if I had betrayed myself and God by failing to reflect accurately the person I am and the goodness of the God I serve.

Sometimes I let the doubts and questions that I have overshadow the goodness of the God I serve. One of the biggest lessons I have learned in the last few years is that God is faithful, that God is good. I may not understand Him or the way He works in the world, I may have lost naivety and struggle to see the world in a black and white way, but that in no way reflects the character of God, simply my perception of it.

This was my biggest regret during my recent experience of failure. I wanted so badly to point to Jesus and glorify Him, but instead I found myself attempting to bridge a gap that I should not be bridging, attempting to find common ground with a world view I do not accept. I was left feeling utterly small. I pray that God's strength was apparent, even in my utter weakness, but that does not change the fact that I utterly failed.

The more I think about it, perhaps this experience was only a more heightened example of the way I have learned to live my life. My people-pleasing ways take precedence over my desire to unwaveringly point to God.

This is not okay. I cannot cut bargains, I cannot take shortcuts. I cannot betray my faith. Over and over again I deny the goodness of God. Over and over again I am left realizing anew how utterly insignificant and useless I am on my own power.