I'm so tired of my current life situation. September seems like a lifetime away.

Tonight's shift was so draining, and I came very close to breaking down crying.

It's not the actual job that drives me to the edge of sanity. It's the coworkers. It's so hard to work in a dog-eat-dog environment where people are only nice to each other to their faces, and are never positive about anything. Everything is always bad, everyone is always a jerk, it's always not a good day. Laziness reigns, and being a smoker entitles you to extra privileges. I can't stand making a mistake and feeling like my chances of them liking me just went down the toilet. I hate being yelled at for little things. I hate feeling like a slave, and I hate working hard while my coworkers take lengthy breaks or stand around talking.

Tonight I was holding it together, managing to have a pretty good night despite my coworkers' negativity, until I messed up an order and brought food to the wrong table. After that it seemed like everything went wrong. It is as if I am fine as long as I am doing a good job and feel like I am offering quality service to the customers. But as soon as that was removed, I had nothing left. My coworkers most likely say horrible things about me behind my back, they are all unbearable to work with, and to top it all off, I am not even a good waitress.

Yeah. Not a good night.

I am looking forward to being in a professional environment again. I'm looking forward to a month from now when I can kiss weekend/evening shifts at the restaurant goodbye forever. I'm looking even more forward to the day when I work at a university as a professor. I know it won't be perfect; the world is a broken place filled with broken people. But at least I can work largely by myself then. I much prefer working by myself.

Tonight towards the end of the evening a middle aged man came in and sat down in the corner by himself. I knew immediately he was different from most - he spoke in a quiet, thoughtfully slow manner, and made eye contact almost to the point of staring. I walked away with a smile on my face, muttering, "this guy is legit." By that I meant that he was a very interesting man. Later, I noticed that the cook and the dishwasher were laughing hysterically. I asked what was so funny, and was told that the man in the corner was staring at the cook, and had been for quite some time. They found it hilarious. A few minutes later, the man came up to the register to pay, and after giving me the money, turned abruptly and walked out. I was a little confused. A few minutes later I heard the cook telling another worker how he had walked over to the guy and made a rude comment, basically hitting on him in a mocking way. My heart was broken for the man in that moment. Sure, he was awkward and stared a little more than is socially acceptable. Sure, he was different. But he seemed to be a good man...and even if he wasn't, he did nothing to deserve being mocked. It's moments like this that remind me how broken the world is - how cruel, how thoughtless, how vicious.

My time working at Touch of Dutch has made me considerably less naive. It has made me appreciate the future that I have, and has made me appreciate the hope that I have as a Christian all the more. I work hard there...it's humbling, really. I rely on tips from people I don't even know to make any sort of decent income. Some people are generous for absolutely no reason, others give me nothing.