wakeup call

Today I didn't work. So after sleeping in obscenely late I went to Beresford with my dad and then for a lengthy drive to look at snow-covered cornfields. (I'll never understand farmers and their drives :)) Then I hung out....all day. Good times.

It was the 10th of February today. That means that in 5ish days I'll know my fate as far as the University of Illinois is concerned. I've been doing my share of freaking out and then reminding myself that God is in control. But it has still been a struggle for me - a struggle to not worry about the future, a struggle to remind myself that God is good no matter what and that life is not about me, it's about bringing honor, glory, and praise to God. IT'S NOT STINKING ABOUT ME. I feel like I need to be slapped in the face with that truth a few times. Because it's so important. Grad school may not happen. Which would be really hard for me on a "me" level. I mean, I like my part-time waitress job, but I really struggle with the day-to-day seeming pointlessness of it. I feel as if I can't handle any more of this day to day living - waiting for the next day of work, or the next day off...neither loving or hating it, but not really finding any passion for it...just doing it because I need the money and the activity with which to fill some time. I want to live for something - I want purpose. It's so selfish of me, though, if I'm to be honest. I need to remind myself again and again that a) God knows what He's doing and will give me ways each day from now till "the rest of my life" to glorify and serve Him, and, b) life isn't really about me or what will make me happy or fulfilled. It's about God and His glory, His renown.

The entry from "My Utmost for His Highest" that I read today was about not fretting, but leaving things in God's hands. It fit perfectly with what I've been struggling with the past weeks. "Fussing always ends in sin. We imagine that a little anxiety and worry are an indication of how really wise we are; it is much more an indication of how really wicked we are. Fretting springs from a determination to get our own way."

I'm convicted, that's for sure.