The following is my attempt at defining myself as closely as possible. I'm not at all sure I'm okay with who I am, but I am realizing how important it is that I am okay with me. So I'm going to get it all out there so I can hopefully begin coming to terms with the monstrosity that is me. I know that a lot of me is a work in progress, so I don't expect that these things will always define me to the exact letter. In any case, this is who I am right now.
1) I'm not very feminine. I don't know how to do my nails, my hair, or even my makeup beyond the extreme basics. I don't really have the desire to do most of those things, either. On occasion I do like dressing up, but I think my definition of such is quite different than most girls. I'm competitive and can be outspoken once I'm comfortable. I don't have a cute girly laugh, and I would much rather hang out with the guys than do girly things like nails or shopping. One of the happiest times of my life was in Washington, where most of my friends were guys and where I was not treated any differently than one of the guys. It's awkward to me to be treated like I'm weaker or need protecting. I don't feel weaker than my guy friends, and I know for a fact that I am independent and capable. When I'm not capable, I try to readily admit it, but I would rather people not assume that because I'm a girl I want to be bossed around or babied. In saying I'm not very feminine, I don't mean that that I'm not a girl. I definitely have moments where the above does not apply. But as far as how I'm treated by others, I hate being approached differently because I'm female. And yet, I want to fall in love. My personality makes this so difficult. Sometimes I feel as if I'm too strong for a relationship and try to make myself appear weaker so that a guy will pursue me. It never works. I'm hopelessly single, and it may always be that way. But I'll never stop hoping that one day I'll be swept off my feet. Not because I think I need protecting or love to complete me, but because I desire companionship. At times it stinks doing life alone.
2) I'm not politically conservative. Then again, I don't have strong political opinions on anything because I think politics are highly overrated, so people who are either extremely liberal or extremely conservative tend to irritate me. Or, rather, their opinions irritate me. I tend to really like the people, either liberal or conservative. It's the blind, unwavering confidence in a political party that bothers me a ton.
3) I'm an evangelical Christian who isn't always okay with evangelical Christianity. People who run around trying to save souls make me feel awkward, or rather their rhetoric does. And yet I feel strongly that who I am and the hope I have needs to be shared with the world and the people who God puts in my path. I have no problem talking with non-Christians about my faith, and do so on occasion. I'm somewhat of a walking contradiction when it comes to this issue. I believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God, but I am coming to see the nature of this inspiration differently than how I used to see it. (more on this in a few days when I review an amazing book I am currently just finishing) I hate proof texting, and people who read the Bible as entirely applicable in its literal form to life today make me uncomfortable (especially in regard to women's place in the church, marriage, and society).
4) I often give in to fear. I'm terrified of who I am. I'm terrified of being wrong. I like black and white answers. I seek truth in all things, and it's never that simple, and this terrifies me. All of the above things make me extremely uncomfortable, and I'm terrified to publish this post. I am thankful that God is working in me and constantly changing me and the way I think. I am strangely thankful that my beliefs are always in flux, and that I'll never "arrive." The process of getting to know the God of the universe is a blessing even if it is terrifying.
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