changes

Fall is in the air. I feel it in the crunch of the leaves beneath my feet and see it in the cloud my breath makes in the morning as I walk to the bus stop. With the change in seasons, I am reminded how much my life has changed in the past two months. I am home here, but in an entirely new sense of "home."
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The other day I decided to look back through my under grad papers, tests, quizzes, and class notes. I was appalled to see what I, at the time, thought of as top quality. It's crazy how time and experienced has matured me, how conditioned I have become to the historian's world. I'm not even sure I possess more intelligence than I did now...rather, I have been trained to fit in in this world. It is especially evident in the fact that they let me grade the papers of a course in African history. I have had no previous experience with African history, and yet I have been trained in the art of history, making me qualified to grade student papers and tests... it's bizarre, really, what separates them and I. Simply some level of expertise in operating in this world, I guess.
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I've been doing a great deal of thinking about the reasons why I am here. I came here with the intention of going on to bigger and better things: a PhD. Now, as I realize that I may not be good enough for such an aspiration, I am confronted with the ugly side of me. Why did I ever come to think that my calling in life was to be the best? When did life become so much about competition that I was unable to imagine a world where I did not achieve whatever I put my mind to? It's horrifying, really. And so, I am attempting to retrain myself. I may not be the best, I may be barely mediocre. I may not achieve the admiration of my professors, and I may be the "bad apple" of the bunch. However, God has put me for a reason, and I only want to follow Him, to serve Him. I want to decrease so that He can increase. What does this look like? It certainly doesn't look like a prideful seeking after worldly recognition.

In the world of graduate history, it's all about intelligence in speech. All conversations are required to be witty, and one attempts at all times to sound nothing short of genius. Joking is centered around an elevation of self at the expense of those who are not as "enlightened." Often, I find myself using self-deprecating humor. This appears to be humble, right? However, I don't think it is...in a strange way my ability to make fun of myself is a source of pride. I need to seek humility in all aspects of my speech. I am not sure how this will work out, but I need to work on it.