best year of my life

Every since freshman year of college, I have always said that freshman year was the best year of my life. So much was so great about that year. It was my first year on my own, I met (and roomed with) my best friend Rachel, I met so many wonderful and lasting friends, and we had so much fun together. Life was, on the whole, good in a way that would remain unmatched for the subsequent years of college. The rest of college was so good as well (in different ways), but in a less pure way. Sometime towards the beginning of my sophomore year of college, I think I truly became an adult. The innocence, naivety, and carefreeness of childhood was for the first time truly behind me. My social life grew more complicated, and I began questioning the beliefs I grew up with. My freshman year roommate Rachel had left college and moved home, and my best friend from high school had all but disappeared from my life. Things were no longer simple. Of course, the hell of my junior and senior years of college was still happily in the future, but in many ways I began to become convinced that things would never again be as good as they were freshman year.

I don't know that I could ever compare anything to my freshman year of college. I will forever label it as one of the best years of my life. I do think, however, that it has met its competition. If freshman year of college was the best year of my adolescence/childhood (assuming myself to still be thinking like a child in many ways), the past 9 months in Bellingham, WA have been the best nine months of my adulthood. I have never been so consistently happy as I have been here. God has truly blessed me...the place is beautiful, the people are beautiful, and I am able to pursue what I love. I smile every time I look around and think about the ridiculous blessing it is to live here for a few years. I believe that I will forever look back on these years in Bellingham as among the best of my life.

the funny thing about my prejudice against married people as a group is that a lot of my closest friends are married.

spring has come

Bellingham is so beautiful in the spring. All winter people told me that the summers make it worth it, that the summers are why people live here. And I didn't really get it. I didn't mind the winter all that much, and all summer means is warmer temperatures, right? Wrong. It is breathtakingly beautiful. Every time I go on a walk anywhere with a view of the bay I am struck again by the beauty of this place.

God is so good. I love the way he works and the ways that he has provided for me and shown me His love since I've moved here. I love this opportunity to grow and change, to see "the world" and to meet a whole bunch of amazing people. I am starting to realize that I'm very likely almost halfway through my time here...that very soon I will once again be tearing up my roots and moving some place new. That breaks my heart...I love these people and this place. It's so beautiful...breathtakingly, heartstealingly so... and I find myself almost wishing that somehow it could work out so I could stay.... of course that would mean no phd...

more place of employment ponderings

So...I work in infant/children's clothing. Working in such an environment gives me a lot of time to think about things related to infants and children. Following are some (perhaps cynical) thoughts:

1) children can be so irritating - especially in stores. if ever I do have children, I really really really hope my kids aren't the type that whine until they get what they want.
2) children tend to repeat themselves over and over and over again if they feel they have not been heard, or they do not get the answer they want. I think I do that with God sometimes...it must be super annoying.
3) folding infants' clothing all day really makes me question things that make me me. So many women come through that department, all oohing and ahhing over "how adorable" that onesie is, or what a good deal that three dollar outfit is, and how they might as well buy it because it's so cheap (buahahahaha one point for capitalism, zero points for that customer). Maybe some day I'll be pregnant or a mother or whatever and think it's absolutely great fun to walk through the infant clothing section. But for now, spending a great deal of time there is a constant reminder to me how far away I am mentally from wanting kids (I suppose that's okay since I'm not really at a place in life to have any). I cannot fathom creating a mini human who relies on me for everything. I cannot fathom that sort of responsibility and life-altering-ness. And thinking about this makes me okay with being single. I like children...but I cannot comprehend being a mother. It's an entirely foreign concept to me. Maybe some day...but for now I'm content, and okay with an entirely emotionally removed folding of said clothing.

place of employment ponderings

People at my new job keep asking me how I like it. When I reply that it's fun (what else am I supposed to say) they tell me that it'll get stressful soon. That many days I will not have time to get everything done and will be really stressed out.

I think to myself... if I ever care that much about the job, it may be time to quit.

Let's be honest here. I do like the job (at least on some level). It's somewhat satisfying folding clothes, putting clothes away, helping customers. I work as hard as I can, getting as much done as I can. But when I clock out, I clock out. I learned a few summers ago as a program coordinator at a state park that it doesn't pay to worry outside the job. And as a student I have learned that either it'll get done or it won't. Worrying about it or stressing out about it doesn't do any good. And so that's the attitude I bring into working retail. I plan to refuse to be stressed. If other people want to make this retail job their whole life and happyness, good for them. As for me, I'm happy to check it at the door.

crazy.

Life is crazy. I am working so much...40-50 hours per week plus full time school = not fun. Then again, I am enjoying the extra paycheck. I won't lie, a lot of it is getting squandered on buying food on campus - I don't have as much time to cook lunches anymore. But over all I am still making money. So it's all good.

At first I couldn't stand the job. It's gotten better with time. Especially as I diversify my skill set.

And, there are only a few more weeks of class (ok, three and a half).

I'm blessed. :)

worlds of wonder, days of judgment

This week for my Colonial America seminar, I read a book by David Hall named "Worlds of Wonder, Days of Judgment." It was a really interesting book for me and gave me a deeper understanding of Puritan culture. Some things I learned:

• on the separation of church and state. Massachusetts Bay colony had a law that clergy couldn't be elected officials in the government. so, in that way, the church and state were separate entities, with the church not having direct political power. However, the magistrates (and any person who wanted the right to vote) were (until 1692) required to be Puritan members of the church. There was no state church, but outside religions were not tolerated.
  
• Puritanism was (like many Protestant sects) based on the idea that the Bible should be available in the vernacular (not just Latin) and that it should be available to all church members. They believed the Word to be inspired by God, and looked to it for guidance.
• Puritans were convinced that catastrophes or miracles were portents, or signs from God. Everything that happened, from sudden death or sickness to thunder and lightening to comets was to be read as a sign from God of pleasure or judgment. Of course, different people had different ideas about what these portents signified.
• Rituals associated with paganism or Catholicism were not tolerated. That meant: no Christmas, no Easter, no icons, no sacraments beyond baptism and communion. Puritans believed that particular space or time was not holy - thus plain churches and no holidays. Every day was to be devoted to God, not just special ones.
• There was a lot of white magic that remained. People were quite superstitious, and not necessarily in "Christian" ways. Witchcraft was clearly unwelcome, but people believed in magic for the most part.
• Death was a huge part of colonial America, and for Puritans, it was very important how one died. Did one die with the name of Christ on his or her lips? Did one confess one's sins and make peace with God before the end? To this end, public executions were community spectacles - sermons were preached, the condemned was urged to make his or her peace with God, and those who "died well" were almost admired by the faithful. The purpose was to make them see their sin and turn to God in the last hour. Confession was a huge part of the culture in general, and executions were no exception. To confess one's guilt was part of the process of gaining eternal salvation.
• Not all Puritans were devoted Christians. Baby baptism was a huge part of Puritan culture (even though the clergy opposed this, arguing that baptism did not save someone). Once baptized, a person would then have to make a confession of faith and become a member as an adult. Many did not do this (most in fact). Although nearly everyone considered themselves Christians, the pious ideal was not widely adhered to. Very common was the act of becoming a member when children were born (so that the children would be born into the covenant). The cycle would then continue - the children would be baptized and hold off joining the church til it became absolutely necessary (although many never joined).

These same Puritans were the ones involved in the Salem witch trials of 1692 a fact that is deeply troubling to me. In addition, I find myself identifying with much of the mindset of these people, and yet there are also ways in which I am fundamentally different from them. I think the biggest thing I took away from the book was the sense in which in many ways Christianity is much the same today. There is the ideal Christian, the one about whom books are written and who people look up to and admire. Then there is the reality. Backsliding, ups and downs of life, and "wonders" that cause many to rethink the way in which they had been living. Of course, we are very different than these people who feared Christmas, hunted "witches," and celebrated hangings...and yet, I think in the big picture little has changed.

pursuing truth

Ever since I can remember, I have desired to know the truth. My desire hasn't always translated into action, and I have often reacted to potential truth with fear, but I would consider myself a truth-seeker. This desire has only been sharpened by my pursuit of a masters in history. I am trained to question motives, presuppositions. I spend all of my time studying societies and cultures trying to understand decisions and ideologies.

Fear has paralyzed me, though. Fear was part of what caused my spiral into spiritual doubt sophomore and junior year of college. And fear continually threatens to hold me back from questioning the ways that American civic religion and culture hides the truth from me.

No more. Last night I ordered Rob Bell's book Love Wins from the inter-library loan system at my school. I am going to read it, and I'm going to do my very best to not only read it to criticize it. I want to engage its arguments - to follow them where they lead me. I want to live without fear. To believe that the God that I serve is big enough to trust fully. I want to trust that He will not abandon me, and that He will guide me through this pursuit of the truth. At the end of my Love Wins journey, I hope to come to a conclusion, supported by evidence (biblical and otherwise).

It's very important to me to not be wishy-washy. My pursuit of truth will not include me becoming overly post-modern-esque in my outlook, unless my pursuit of truth itself leads me to a void of truth.

I believe the Bible to be the inspired word of God. For this journey, I hope to question that very presupposition (from what I've read, Rob Bell will very likely help me out in this regard). I want to know why Christians believe this about the Bible, and I want to be able to defend the Bible as wholly inspired if this does prove to be the case (which I believe it will). I want to put to death the fear that has kept me from digging deeply into such things.

There was a time when I questioned the existence of God, the validity of my faith, and everything I had been taught. That time has passed, and I believe that now is the time to dig into these things out of motivations not of fear, but of love for the God who has redeemed me. My fervent hope and desire is that He would reveal Himself even more to me, and that all of the glory will go to Him.

I don't have a set in stone plan for this pursuit of truth. If I did, I'd get discouraged and fail. Beyond reading Love Wins I have no concrete plans. I hope to blog on things that I have been thinking about. Mostly, this represents a change in attitude - I want to engage opposing arguments instead of immediately refuting them based on the things I have always believed to be true. I want to understand the opposition - to consider the opposition, and then to decide firmly where I stand.