the tension of apathy

One of my favorite parts about graduate school is the way in which I am challenged beyond what I thought previously possible. It's a constant exercise in feeling and apathy - I care so deeply about what I'm doing and put so much of myself into it, and, yet, when I receive feedback and realize that what I thought to be great was not so great, it's so easy to simply give up. A certain amount of apathy is required in graduate school - if I allowed my self-worth to be tied up in straight As I might as well quit and resign myself to a life of flipping burgers. I am learning like never before to embrace the process of being trained to be a better historian, and I firmly believe a large part of that process is the B+...the constant reminder that I'm never quite there.

In college I learned to believe in myself - in graduate school I learn to believe in the process, but never my ability to achieve any sort of perfection. It's an exercise in feeling, apathy, and - perhaps even more important - humility. I must never allow myself to think I have arrived, because arrive I never will. Here I am called to care deeply, to accept failure, but not allow that constant failure to inhibit my desire for perfection.

running to love

Dearest Savior,

So much of life passes me by with me avoiding You. And then the little things remind me of the hole in my heart that only You can fill. Not nearly often enough I remember all those little reasons I love You, and I mourn the emotional distance that I so carefully cultivate. At the end of the day, none of the mundane little things of life matter if only I can know You more, if only I can be close to You. I kick and I scream, I run the other way, I rationalize my brains out to try to excuse myself from a deep, meaningful relationship with You, and then I remember the deep emotion that is hiding somewhere in my soul.

It's okay that I love You. It's okay that this love is passionate, that this love leaves me useless for all else. It's okay to be swept off my feet by Your love.

I'm so sorry for the ways in which I constantly distance myself from You. I'm sorry that so often I forget that there is freedom in love. I'm sorry for the ways that my pride constantly gets in the way. I'm sorry for wanting to be strong, for wanting to be okay on my own. I'm sorry for all those little ways that I try to prove to You that I am strong, and that I can serve You on my own.

I want to fall in love with You all over again. I want to be worthless for all else but pursuit of Love. I pray for a heart that is malleable and that is capable of loving You in just a fraction of the way that You deserve.

I love You...here's to loving You more each and every day.

agency, free will, responsibility, and other ramblings

My thoughts are so complex lately, which I think is why my blogs have been mainly bullet points...I am having a hard time trying to figure out what I'm thinking, much less write something coherent. I wish I could write something coherent, and yet my thoughts are so much in flux that I don't know where to start or where to end.

One of the things I've been wrestling with lately is agency. It seems to be a rather big deal here at Western - do people have the ability to make independent choices that make a real impact? My first reaction when I first got here last September was to say, why, of course they do! The more I've thought about it, though, the more I've questioned that.

Here's the humanist/non-religious argument for no agency: everything that happens is a product of one's environment. We are who we are because of where we grow up, who we interact with, and our culture (emphasis on culture above the other things). Our beliefs and actions are a product of natural forces acting on us, and so none of our decisions can be arrived at independently. Deterministic is another way of putting it. I am the way I am because of my environment. Things are already determined for me.

Inserting my faith into this discussion makes things a little more interesting. On the one hand, I believe that I am to be held accountable for my actions. On the other hand, I believe that sin leaves me enslaved to myself, to my desires. I am unable to do good. Does that imply a lack of agency? And assuming that I am able to do something truly good, is that not because of Christ working through me? Thus, I am still not my own. It kind of reminds me of what I believe on the topic of predestination, actually. The paradox of God choosing me and me simultaneously choosing God. 100% responsibility for both parties. I am not my own - I gave up my life to God when I was saved...emphasis on the giving up? So did I choose to give up my agency? Was this decision something I can take credit for? Or was it God calling me? What role does my response play?

How does this impact the way I write history? How does sin and sinful nature enter into the discussion? After all, people are going to sin. Everything we do is tainted by sin. And yet, we are somehow called to choose to do right even when everything in us pulls us toward the wrong. And, when I'm writing history, to I give blame or praise to individuals for their choices? Do I attribute to their decisions agency? Both in making the choice and in the results of that choice? Then again, was it ever a choice in the first place? Or, what about the person who is not saved, and who does something "good" (of course all righteousness is like filthy rags)? Do I give them absolutely no agency, just because they don't have Christ working through them? After all, they are still choosing to reject God, at least in some sense.

I feel like I just puked a bunch of senseless thoughts onto this web page. Sorry.

my life in phrase

My life as of late:

• grading
• reading ridiculously long books (650 page book for one of my classes for one week)
• thinking a lot about a lot of things
  
• lots of pizza
• no drama & lots of peace
• meeting with students and leading discussion, realizing how much i love teaching
• lots of sunshine
• going for runs (!)
• pondering the cost of discipleship
  

...from the mouth of a nineteenth century skeptic

The following, a short excerpt taken somewhat out of context from a book entitled "The Civilization of the Renaissance in Italy" by Jacob Burckhardt says better than I could have said myself some of the reasons that I am passionate about history.

"The belief in God at earlier times had its source and chief support in Christianity and the outward symbol of Christianity, the Church. when the Church became corrupt, men ought to have drawn a distinction, and kept their religion in spite of it all. But this is more easily said than done. It is not every people which is calm enough, or dull enough, to tolerate a lasting contradiction between a principle and its outward expression. But history does not record a heavier responsibility than that which rests upon the decaying Church. She set up as absolute truth, and by the most violent means, a doctrine which she had distorted to serve her own aggrandizement. Safe in the sense of her inviolability, she abandoned herself to the most scandalous profligacy, and, in order to maintain herself in this state, she levelled mortal blows against the conscience and the intellect of nations, and drove multitudes of the noblest spirits, whom she had inwardly estranged, into the arms of unbelief and despair." (290)

I think that speaks for itself. I read it as a powerful account of the historical failures of Christianity...and there are so many ways in which the Church is always in danger of walking down this path. May we never again see our faith as a means of power and exploitation.

following the Light

Because I like bullet points:

• I'm working on writing a book about my life and the lessons I'm learning. Not because I actually plan on doing anything with it, but because in my interactions with people here I am realizing so many things for which I need an outlet. Maybe someday it'll turn into something - for now I have the distinct feeling that I am too involved in the actual process of living and learning - perspective, and wisdom, is needed.
• On the subject of writing a book: I'm thinking a lot about the way that Christianity portrays itself. I'm trying to reconcile my people-pleasing ways with the need for truth. I'm trying to figure out when to speak and when to remain silent - when my greatest witness is through my words, when it's through my actions, and when it's through my silence.
  
• I'm waiting for spring and the resulting warmth. I'm ready to be able to be in my apartment without wearing gloves, a hat, and several layers. I'm ready to not turn my heat on every few days and then feel horribly anxious about the effect on that month's electricity bill.
• I love bananas.
• I rocked my German test yesterday. Amazing what a couple hours of studying will do.
• I'm loving this opportunity to be a graduate student. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that the things I am privileged to be able spend my time studying are making me into who God wants me to be. It's hard, but it's necessary. I am trying to keep my eyes focused on God, remembering that all this human confusion and darkness is nothing compared to the Light.