Today was Sunday. Woke up after not enough sleep, went to sunday school and church, where I barely managed to appear awake. Went home, played some games, hung out, etc. Went to church choir practice to play my trumpet, came home, watched Amazing Race, played facebook risk, and then had a very very very good phone conversation.
One of the things I miss most about college are my friends. More specifically, I miss the chance to have deep, real, personal conversations about anything and everything for hours on end into the night whenever I want. At home much of the time I feel misunderstood, alone, and required to think a certain way. So tonight was good, talking about the hard questions of life and God and His work in the world.
Just because I don't want to internalize it anymore, here is what I've really been wrestling with lately:
How does God work in the world? Is He super involved, coordinating and master-minding every thing that happens? Does He have a specific plan for my life that I must follow step by step or risk being dishonoring to Him? And, how does He want us to deal with the brokenness of the world? There are so many struggling with poverty and hunger - how are we to address these issues? Structurally, through policies and government intervention? Or, is it a simple matter of these people needing the Good News? Or maybe it's more complicated than that? I've been struggling with how involved I should be in politics or how much I should trust in the inherent goodness of democracy or capitalism. I've been wondering how much laws truly matter, and if Christians are wasting their time trying to outlaw things like abortion or homosexual marriage. Do we have the emphasis all wrong? Why is it that so many of the people I know dislike and even hate so strongly people who are homosexual? We claim to hate the sin and not the sinner, but I'm honestly not so sure that is true. I'm not so sure because I see these thoughts mirrored in myself. How does God feel about these sins (abortion and homosexuality) in relation to other sins that Christians do not so vehemently oppose (lying or coveting or materialism)?
I realize these questions are many, and somewhat unrelated. And I feel somewhat like a heretic for even wondering about some of these things. But, while in college, I started on a journey to truly examine what I believe. I changed... and now I'm home again, where my beliefs found their roots. And now the hardest thing of all is before me - to continue questioning the validity of the things I have been taught in the place where these things are considered unquestioningly true. No wonder I feel like a heretic. Even now I'm ashamed to admit I question, ashamed to admit I'm not sure. Ashamed that I don't understand how God works in the world, don't know how to follow Him, don't know how to KNOW what He is thinking about what I should do.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
mundane takeover
So my life has become lame to the extreme. I'm not even in the process of applying for grad schools anymore...it's just done. It's so quiet in my head right now. I am living day to day, shift to shift, just getting by. I stopped learning German. I barely read anymore. I don't even watch movies. I basically just work 4-5 days a week and spend the rest of my time wasting my time. I don't find myself too upset by this fact. When I find out where I'm headed in 5 months, I think I may then begin to prepare. Begin to care. But for now I'm just staying in a hibernation of sorts.
I don't even think about much anymore. There is quite literally no intellectual or mental stimulation of any sort here, unless I am really motivated to provide it for myself. But I'm not. I mean, I loved college...but now it seems sorta like a distant dream. I'm finding myself forgetting that passion and slipping back into the soothing rhythm of this rural midwest town. Where education is important, but only if it helps you get a good paying job. Of course, that's sorta the objective wherever you're from. But I found something at college...something inside me that didn't really care about the job opportunities at the end of the road, as long as I'm learning, as long as I'm pursuing these passions. For me, college had nothing to do with the degree, nothing to do with a career objective. It was about doing what I love - studying. That's why I want to go to grad school. Not so I can teach college someday, although that's what I tell people when they ask me what I'm planning to do with a phd in history. I'm pursuing the study of history because it is compelling, because it is vital, because it is what I like to spend my time doing.
But in spite of this passion, right now I'm doing nothing, and sorta enjoying that too, in a slothful lazy sort of way. And, to be completely honest, if I don't get into grad school, life will not end for me. Cuz I can live without history. I don't want to, but I can. I love the piano, too, and I would not mind pursuing that path. It requires a whole lot less further education, in fact, zero, because I've spent the last 15 years of my life studying it. And I LOVE the piano. As much as history. Just in a different way - in a self-expression way...not necessarily a vocare (thanks nw) sort of way.
This is good for me, thinking "out loud" like this. It is probably frightfully boring to read, but that's ok.
Basically, this post can be summed up by the following. My life as a waitress is sucking the academic-ness out of me, and I am doing nothing to stop it, but merely waiting to see what the future holds. God knows what He's doing.
I don't even think about much anymore. There is quite literally no intellectual or mental stimulation of any sort here, unless I am really motivated to provide it for myself. But I'm not. I mean, I loved college...but now it seems sorta like a distant dream. I'm finding myself forgetting that passion and slipping back into the soothing rhythm of this rural midwest town. Where education is important, but only if it helps you get a good paying job. Of course, that's sorta the objective wherever you're from. But I found something at college...something inside me that didn't really care about the job opportunities at the end of the road, as long as I'm learning, as long as I'm pursuing these passions. For me, college had nothing to do with the degree, nothing to do with a career objective. It was about doing what I love - studying. That's why I want to go to grad school. Not so I can teach college someday, although that's what I tell people when they ask me what I'm planning to do with a phd in history. I'm pursuing the study of history because it is compelling, because it is vital, because it is what I like to spend my time doing.
But in spite of this passion, right now I'm doing nothing, and sorta enjoying that too, in a slothful lazy sort of way. And, to be completely honest, if I don't get into grad school, life will not end for me. Cuz I can live without history. I don't want to, but I can. I love the piano, too, and I would not mind pursuing that path. It requires a whole lot less further education, in fact, zero, because I've spent the last 15 years of my life studying it. And I LOVE the piano. As much as history. Just in a different way - in a self-expression way...not necessarily a vocare (thanks nw) sort of way.
This is good for me, thinking "out loud" like this. It is probably frightfully boring to read, but that's ok.
Basically, this post can be summed up by the following. My life as a waitress is sucking the academic-ness out of me, and I am doing nothing to stop it, but merely waiting to see what the future holds. God knows what He's doing.
Friday, February 26, 2010
I worked today: 11-4. It was a very good time. I didn't make a ton of money in tips, but it was a fun day. I really love waitressing on days like today. Days when it's just me for most of the time, days when it's not too slow, but not too busy.
One of the coffee guys was gone this week, and no one really knew why. He finally came back today, and it turns out he had fallen and kinda messed up his neck/back or something. He'll be fine. It's crazy, though, how quickly things could change. Especially with him being in his 70s or 80s at this point. It was a good day for the coffee "gang." There were about 7 or 8 of them there today, and the laughter rang throughout the little cafe. It was good stuff. :) I laughed a few times myself.
I work 5 days next week. Most likely that is - I don't for sure know my schedule past Wednesday. I did pick up an extra day, though - Wednesday. And, I'm subbing at the daycare on Monday. That means that the only way that I will be able to sub at the school next week is if they want me to sub on Thursday.
I actually got called this morning to sub. I had my phone on silent because I knew I'd have to turn it down, but it was somewhat frustrating. If only I would have gotten subbing calls all those weeks in January and early February when I didn't have other employment.
Oh well.
I've been struck lately by how I'm not a very good person. At all. I'm kind of a jerk. I have so much pride and can be so so so full of myself. This needs to change.
Well, I only slept 4 hours at the most last night, so it's time for me to go to bed. Until next time!
One of the coffee guys was gone this week, and no one really knew why. He finally came back today, and it turns out he had fallen and kinda messed up his neck/back or something. He'll be fine. It's crazy, though, how quickly things could change. Especially with him being in his 70s or 80s at this point. It was a good day for the coffee "gang." There were about 7 or 8 of them there today, and the laughter rang throughout the little cafe. It was good stuff. :) I laughed a few times myself.
I work 5 days next week. Most likely that is - I don't for sure know my schedule past Wednesday. I did pick up an extra day, though - Wednesday. And, I'm subbing at the daycare on Monday. That means that the only way that I will be able to sub at the school next week is if they want me to sub on Thursday.
I actually got called this morning to sub. I had my phone on silent because I knew I'd have to turn it down, but it was somewhat frustrating. If only I would have gotten subbing calls all those weeks in January and early February when I didn't have other employment.
Oh well.
I've been struck lately by how I'm not a very good person. At all. I'm kind of a jerk. I have so much pride and can be so so so full of myself. This needs to change.
Well, I only slept 4 hours at the most last night, so it's time for me to go to bed. Until next time!
Monday, February 22, 2010
brain=mush
This blog started as me recording the mundane details of my day-to-day life. I think it is becoming something else now.
I visited NW this weekend. It was really good to be back again. I went to a western civ class today, which made me miss studying Nazi Germany so much. I finished up grad school stuff tonight...now the final stretch of waiting begins.
That's about all the mundane recording of my life that I can handle right now. Instead, I really want to share what's been on my mind lately.
I've been thinking about calling. It's hard for me to be content with my waitressing job. It's hard for me to wait for grad schools to get back to me, wondering if it's all going to work out...and it's hard for me to surrender everything to God and let Him be in control. I miss school, though. I miss that feeling that I'm doing what I am passionate about, even if I do procrastinate on occasion. I miss the feeling of the "lightbulb" coming on and the way that hypothesis form as I read about a particular subject. I guess I could be studying on my own, but I'm not that motivated. So I read a few pages here and there from a book on Nazi Germany that I am reading (at snail's pace), but otherwise do little productive with my time. I guess I just feel lazy, maybe. Going to NW is fun, but it's also hard to not have homework when everyone else does. I wish I had a private tutor or something who'd assign me homework so I could continue learning. I seriously feel like my brain is turning to mush.
I visited NW this weekend. It was really good to be back again. I went to a western civ class today, which made me miss studying Nazi Germany so much. I finished up grad school stuff tonight...now the final stretch of waiting begins.
That's about all the mundane recording of my life that I can handle right now. Instead, I really want to share what's been on my mind lately.
I've been thinking about calling. It's hard for me to be content with my waitressing job. It's hard for me to wait for grad schools to get back to me, wondering if it's all going to work out...and it's hard for me to surrender everything to God and let Him be in control. I miss school, though. I miss that feeling that I'm doing what I am passionate about, even if I do procrastinate on occasion. I miss the feeling of the "lightbulb" coming on and the way that hypothesis form as I read about a particular subject. I guess I could be studying on my own, but I'm not that motivated. So I read a few pages here and there from a book on Nazi Germany that I am reading (at snail's pace), but otherwise do little productive with my time. I guess I just feel lazy, maybe. Going to NW is fun, but it's also hard to not have homework when everyone else does. I wish I had a private tutor or something who'd assign me homework so I could continue learning. I seriously feel like my brain is turning to mush.
Friday, February 19, 2010
musings
Yesterday I worked for 10 hours. I was supposed to have the day off.
Today I worked a scheduled five hour shift at the restaurant. I was offered two sub jobs for today alone that I was forced to turn down because of the scheduled shift at the restaurant.
It's all good, though, because I am coming to truly love my job at the restaurant. Not "love" in the sense that I've found my calling, my "Vocare" (thanks NW). But "love" in the sense that I am learning so much about myself and other people and about the ways that God has blessed me. I'm humbled, putting my college degree to good use as a waitress at a truck stop. I have the opportunity to meet and befriend people who don't run in the Christian or academic circles. People that I am coming to love. It's a whole different crowd, but it's so good for me.
I'm going to hopefully be going away to grad school in a few months. But I don't ever want to forget these people I have come to appreciate in the last couple weeks. I don't want to forget the high school senior working to provide for her family because her mom has stage three cancer. I don't want to forget the 21 year old mother of three who was so quick to offer her acceptance and friendship to me. I don't want to forget any of these people who are so different from my college-educated acquaintances...these people are so real, and so much loved by God.
Working at the restaurant and answering the questions of people who know me but whom I don't know at all (typical small town), I realize how much I want grad school. I realize, while telling them that I am hoping to go back to school, how much I am indeed hoping for that. I realize how much of a privilege it would be to have the opportunity to not need to work at a place like that restaurant for the rest of my life. How rare and special the opportunity for higher education truly is.
I have been transported into another world since graduation from NW. Here I don't think as much or as deeply as I used to. Here life is simple and down to earth. And I need that to remind me of the paradox that is me: I LOVE where I come from, and I LOVE where I hope to go. Both make me "me." I am both a country girl and an aspiring historian. I love both reading cheesy Christian fiction novels and researching complex historical topics.
I miss studying history so much, but I am so grateful for this opportunity to stop and remember who I am at my roots before I, in many ways, leave my roots behind in a few short months.
Today I worked a scheduled five hour shift at the restaurant. I was offered two sub jobs for today alone that I was forced to turn down because of the scheduled shift at the restaurant.
It's all good, though, because I am coming to truly love my job at the restaurant. Not "love" in the sense that I've found my calling, my "Vocare" (thanks NW). But "love" in the sense that I am learning so much about myself and other people and about the ways that God has blessed me. I'm humbled, putting my college degree to good use as a waitress at a truck stop. I have the opportunity to meet and befriend people who don't run in the Christian or academic circles. People that I am coming to love. It's a whole different crowd, but it's so good for me.
I'm going to hopefully be going away to grad school in a few months. But I don't ever want to forget these people I have come to appreciate in the last couple weeks. I don't want to forget the high school senior working to provide for her family because her mom has stage three cancer. I don't want to forget the 21 year old mother of three who was so quick to offer her acceptance and friendship to me. I don't want to forget any of these people who are so different from my college-educated acquaintances...these people are so real, and so much loved by God.
Working at the restaurant and answering the questions of people who know me but whom I don't know at all (typical small town), I realize how much I want grad school. I realize, while telling them that I am hoping to go back to school, how much I am indeed hoping for that. I realize how much of a privilege it would be to have the opportunity to not need to work at a place like that restaurant for the rest of my life. How rare and special the opportunity for higher education truly is.
I have been transported into another world since graduation from NW. Here I don't think as much or as deeply as I used to. Here life is simple and down to earth. And I need that to remind me of the paradox that is me: I LOVE where I come from, and I LOVE where I hope to go. Both make me "me." I am both a country girl and an aspiring historian. I love both reading cheesy Christian fiction novels and researching complex historical topics.
I miss studying history so much, but I am so grateful for this opportunity to stop and remember who I am at my roots before I, in many ways, leave my roots behind in a few short months.
Monday, February 15, 2010
denied #2
Today I was turned down by the University of Illinois. The uncertainty frightens me a great deal.
I had an eye appt today - my eyes didn't get any worse - the doctor actually said that in all likelihood they will improve with time. So that's good.
I got the headlights fixed on my car today. $56. For headlights. Sometimes I wonder why I don't just move to a big city where there is public transportation. I'd save a ton.
I would write more, but I'm not at all in the mood.
I had an eye appt today - my eyes didn't get any worse - the doctor actually said that in all likelihood they will improve with time. So that's good.
I got the headlights fixed on my car today. $56. For headlights. Sometimes I wonder why I don't just move to a big city where there is public transportation. I'd save a ton.
I would write more, but I'm not at all in the mood.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
it's february 13...
Wow the last couple of days have been insane.
Yesterday I worked 9-6 at the daycare...it was a long haul, but not horrible. 8 solid hours of work could hardly be deemed horrible. I got some awesome pictures of one of the most hysterically funny children ever, found out I was closing, successfully closed, and brought the time sheets to town. Then it was on to OC to spend the evening/night. It was a good night. It started out a bit strangely - we played probably the worst board game to hit the planet - The Office DVD board game. I wasn't a fan. But it got better. I went to the RSC with Katrina to hang out with Sarah and watch the Olympics, and then we locked up. At which point I mentioned that which I had been thinking all night - Perkins. You see...I like OC, but not that much haha. I'd been there for all of 4 hours and was already thinking of the outside world.
I'm so glad we went though. Perkins was rocking at 1 am on Saturday morning...and we were happy to join in. We joined in a restaurant wide rendition of Happy Birthday at least two times, laughed so hard we thought we might die, and just in general enjoyed the fact that we were hanging out with a bunch of very drunk people and, if our energy level was any indication, fit right in even though we had not consumed a drop of alcohol. I almost fell asleep driving back, but I didn't. Good thing, since I was driving. But give me a break, it was 3:15 in the morning and I had not slept much the night before.
This morning, er, afternoon, I woke up around 12:15 and packed up and headed home. I probably could have stayed longer (I didn't have to work til 5), but honestly I didn't want to have to remember my OC visit as having been boring in any way, shape, or form...and Saturday afternoons without homework in an environment where everyone else has homework can be boring. And, I'll be honest, I wanted to watch Lost...it's getting good. So I came home and watched a couple episodes before work.
Work. Was. Horrible. Saturday night, right? It's supposed to be busy on Saturday nights, but tonight, since it was snowing/blowing/generally miserable outside, business was a bit slow. To make matters worse for me, they split the restaurant into sections for the various servers instead of just alternating whoever came through the door. They, naturally of course, gave me the worst section. Even with snagging 3 tables outside my section I still managed to only serve 5-6 tables TOTAL tonight. Fortunately, those tables were (in general) kind with tipping and I managed to make $20. ALL NIGHT. I wasn't extremely pleased...That's $5 an hour in tips...with the $3.25 minus taxes that I get paid by the restaurant, I made minimum wage at best.
Other than the horrible pay, the night was actually somewhat interesting. First, I got to listen to a ton of gossip. Not exactly fun...sometimes I wonder what people say about me when I'm not around. But I had the opportunity to talk with the server whom I heard the others bad mouthing (for no reason as far as I have observed) while we were wrapping silverware together (an activity that everyone else hates but I actually really like). She is 21, married with three children with another on the way, and like me, feels entirely lonely in this town. I think I made a new friend tonight. :)
Got off work at 9 after not having a table for at least an hour, went to fill on gas because my tank was all but empty, and drove home. On the way home the dim lights stopped working on my car. JOY. Haha. It was a bad end to an otherwise bad night...coming home from a really awesome time in OC only to make all but nothing waitressing (which by the way is probably the hardest work of any job I have had so far) and have my car lights malfunction.
It's supposed to snow again tomorrow, and...what do you know...Marilee works again. This time I start at 4 and go until 8 or so. If it is dead again (which it probably will be due to weather) I am going to be so mad. I'll get over it, but waitressing is frustrating stuff sometimes.
It'd be nice if I could sub this coming week.
I wish.
It is, however, February 13. That means that in two to five days I will know my fate in regard to U of Illinois. Tonight I was talking about the possibility of grad school with my new friend (the 21 yr old waitress) and I realized just how much I want it. Every day is an exercise in giving my dreams to God and letting Him be in control.
Yesterday I worked 9-6 at the daycare...it was a long haul, but not horrible. 8 solid hours of work could hardly be deemed horrible. I got some awesome pictures of one of the most hysterically funny children ever, found out I was closing, successfully closed, and brought the time sheets to town. Then it was on to OC to spend the evening/night. It was a good night. It started out a bit strangely - we played probably the worst board game to hit the planet - The Office DVD board game. I wasn't a fan. But it got better. I went to the RSC with Katrina to hang out with Sarah and watch the Olympics, and then we locked up. At which point I mentioned that which I had been thinking all night - Perkins. You see...I like OC, but not that much haha. I'd been there for all of 4 hours and was already thinking of the outside world.
I'm so glad we went though. Perkins was rocking at 1 am on Saturday morning...and we were happy to join in. We joined in a restaurant wide rendition of Happy Birthday at least two times, laughed so hard we thought we might die, and just in general enjoyed the fact that we were hanging out with a bunch of very drunk people and, if our energy level was any indication, fit right in even though we had not consumed a drop of alcohol. I almost fell asleep driving back, but I didn't. Good thing, since I was driving. But give me a break, it was 3:15 in the morning and I had not slept much the night before.
This morning, er, afternoon, I woke up around 12:15 and packed up and headed home. I probably could have stayed longer (I didn't have to work til 5), but honestly I didn't want to have to remember my OC visit as having been boring in any way, shape, or form...and Saturday afternoons without homework in an environment where everyone else has homework can be boring. And, I'll be honest, I wanted to watch Lost...it's getting good. So I came home and watched a couple episodes before work.
Work. Was. Horrible. Saturday night, right? It's supposed to be busy on Saturday nights, but tonight, since it was snowing/blowing/generally miserable outside, business was a bit slow. To make matters worse for me, they split the restaurant into sections for the various servers instead of just alternating whoever came through the door. They, naturally of course, gave me the worst section. Even with snagging 3 tables outside my section I still managed to only serve 5-6 tables TOTAL tonight. Fortunately, those tables were (in general) kind with tipping and I managed to make $20. ALL NIGHT. I wasn't extremely pleased...That's $5 an hour in tips...with the $3.25 minus taxes that I get paid by the restaurant, I made minimum wage at best.
Other than the horrible pay, the night was actually somewhat interesting. First, I got to listen to a ton of gossip. Not exactly fun...sometimes I wonder what people say about me when I'm not around. But I had the opportunity to talk with the server whom I heard the others bad mouthing (for no reason as far as I have observed) while we were wrapping silverware together (an activity that everyone else hates but I actually really like). She is 21, married with three children with another on the way, and like me, feels entirely lonely in this town. I think I made a new friend tonight. :)
Got off work at 9 after not having a table for at least an hour, went to fill on gas because my tank was all but empty, and drove home. On the way home the dim lights stopped working on my car. JOY. Haha. It was a bad end to an otherwise bad night...coming home from a really awesome time in OC only to make all but nothing waitressing (which by the way is probably the hardest work of any job I have had so far) and have my car lights malfunction.
It's supposed to snow again tomorrow, and...what do you know...Marilee works again. This time I start at 4 and go until 8 or so. If it is dead again (which it probably will be due to weather) I am going to be so mad. I'll get over it, but waitressing is frustrating stuff sometimes.
It'd be nice if I could sub this coming week.
I wish.
It is, however, February 13. That means that in two to five days I will know my fate in regard to U of Illinois. Tonight I was talking about the possibility of grad school with my new friend (the 21 yr old waitress) and I realized just how much I want it. Every day is an exercise in giving my dreams to God and letting Him be in control.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
surrender of each moment
So my mundane life is starting to get to me a bit. I like my job...I like my life. But it is far from fulfilling. And, I realize this is only short term - only mandatory until summer, and then after the summer I'll be following God to the next thing...but it's really hard to feel a lack of passion. I miss learning. I miss history. I miss being a nerd. So, it's hard to surrender this to God every moment. I want to worry, I want to speculate on my chances...but I can't...to do so would be to sin against God.
Today I slept in way too late. Woke up and wasted some time on the internet, ate lunch, left for town to run some errands before my afternoon subbing at the daycare. The daycare was absolute madness today. I realized how hard it sometimes is for me to take care of young children - because I want so badly for them to listen, and when 2 year olds decide they aren't going to listen, there's little or nothing you can do to make them listen. It wasn't that they were overly naughty - they were just LOUD. And the fellowship hall where they play echoes so badly...I wanted to just tear my hair out by the end of the afternoon and I was only there for 3.5 hours. I work 9 hours tomorrow. Woe is me.
Tonight was the Survivor premiere...I watched that. Good stuff.
I got called and asked to work at the restaurant on Sunday this afternoon...so I will be going to OC tomorrow night instead of Saturday/Sunday. Sad day, but it's alright, because it means an extra shift, and money's always good. I'm sure I'll appreciate it in about 6 months.
Today I slept in way too late. Woke up and wasted some time on the internet, ate lunch, left for town to run some errands before my afternoon subbing at the daycare. The daycare was absolute madness today. I realized how hard it sometimes is for me to take care of young children - because I want so badly for them to listen, and when 2 year olds decide they aren't going to listen, there's little or nothing you can do to make them listen. It wasn't that they were overly naughty - they were just LOUD. And the fellowship hall where they play echoes so badly...I wanted to just tear my hair out by the end of the afternoon and I was only there for 3.5 hours. I work 9 hours tomorrow. Woe is me.
Tonight was the Survivor premiere...I watched that. Good stuff.
I got called and asked to work at the restaurant on Sunday this afternoon...so I will be going to OC tomorrow night instead of Saturday/Sunday. Sad day, but it's alright, because it means an extra shift, and money's always good. I'm sure I'll appreciate it in about 6 months.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
wakeup call
Today I didn't work. So after sleeping in obscenely late I went to Beresford with my dad and then for a lengthy drive to look at snow-covered cornfields. (I'll never understand farmers and their drives :)) Then I hung out....all day. Good times.
It was the 10th of February today. That means that in 5ish days I'll know my fate as far as the University of Illinois is concerned. I've been doing my share of freaking out and then reminding myself that God is in control. But it has still been a struggle for me - a struggle to not worry about the future, a struggle to remind myself that God is good no matter what and that life is not about me, it's about bringing honor, glory, and praise to God. IT'S NOT STINKING ABOUT ME. I feel like I need to be slapped in the face with that truth a few times. Because it's so important. Grad school may not happen. Which would be really hard for me on a "me" level. I mean, I like my part-time waitress job, but I really struggle with the day-to-day seeming pointlessness of it. I feel as if I can't handle any more of this day to day living - waiting for the next day of work, or the next day off...neither loving or hating it, but not really finding any passion for it...just doing it because I need the money and the activity with which to fill some time. I want to live for something - I want purpose. It's so selfish of me, though, if I'm to be honest. I need to remind myself again and again that a) God knows what He's doing and will give me ways each day from now till "the rest of my life" to glorify and serve Him, and, b) life isn't really about me or what will make me happy or fulfilled. It's about God and His glory, His renown.
The entry from "My Utmost for His Highest" that I read today was about not fretting, but leaving things in God's hands. It fit perfectly with what I've been struggling with the past weeks. "Fussing always ends in sin. We imagine that a little anxiety and worry are an indication of how really wise we are; it is much more an indication of how really wicked we are. Fretting springs from a determination to get our own way."
I'm convicted, that's for sure.
It was the 10th of February today. That means that in 5ish days I'll know my fate as far as the University of Illinois is concerned. I've been doing my share of freaking out and then reminding myself that God is in control. But it has still been a struggle for me - a struggle to not worry about the future, a struggle to remind myself that God is good no matter what and that life is not about me, it's about bringing honor, glory, and praise to God. IT'S NOT STINKING ABOUT ME. I feel like I need to be slapped in the face with that truth a few times. Because it's so important. Grad school may not happen. Which would be really hard for me on a "me" level. I mean, I like my part-time waitress job, but I really struggle with the day-to-day seeming pointlessness of it. I feel as if I can't handle any more of this day to day living - waiting for the next day of work, or the next day off...neither loving or hating it, but not really finding any passion for it...just doing it because I need the money and the activity with which to fill some time. I want to live for something - I want purpose. It's so selfish of me, though, if I'm to be honest. I need to remind myself again and again that a) God knows what He's doing and will give me ways each day from now till "the rest of my life" to glorify and serve Him, and, b) life isn't really about me or what will make me happy or fulfilled. It's about God and His glory, His renown.
The entry from "My Utmost for His Highest" that I read today was about not fretting, but leaving things in God's hands. It fit perfectly with what I've been struggling with the past weeks. "Fussing always ends in sin. We imagine that a little anxiety and worry are an indication of how really wise we are; it is much more an indication of how really wicked we are. Fretting springs from a determination to get our own way."
I'm convicted, that's for sure.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
answer to prayer
Sometimes little, relatively unimportant things happen that remind me just how much God cares about me, and how He is in control.
I was woken up about 8:15 this morning by my Dad calling to say that I should call the daycare because they wanted me to work Thursday and Friday. My first reaction was...there's no way this is going to work out... So, after calling the daycare and explaining that I didn't know my work schedule at the restaurant yet and then attempting (and failing) to fall back asleep, I got up. I called the restaurant to see if they had the schedule up - they did, and I for some freak miracle didn't work Thursday or Friday. AND, I have Sunday/Monday off as well, which means I can go to Orange City on Saturday night and stay till Monday! Life is good. It's funny because last night I told my mom I had two prayer requests - to be able to go to Orange City this weekend and to get into grad school. :)
Work was a lot of fun today. I made $42 in tips - averaging around 16% of total sales. Not too bad. It was pretty uneventful - no huge groups (in fact I think my biggest group today was three people), no jerks, no big tips, no complete flops. It was a relatively slow day, so I spent a lot of time "cleaning."
Every day these old men come in around 3:00 for coffee. One of them is Glen - it was his birthday today. Glen actually came to the restaurant twice today - once around noon with his wife, and once for coffee with "the gang." It is HILARIOUS to listen to these guys talk - it's all about the old days, or the weather, or their failing memory, or why K-mart failed while Wal-Mart succeeded. Glen is hilarious - he doesn't exactly have an accent, but he has a strange way of talking, sort of a drawl, but not really...and it's funny. I dunno - their lives are just so simple - they come in for coffee every day - sit there and pass the time drinking coffee and just talking about pointless things. I'm a bit envious. They have so much life already lived - so many memories...so much wisdom. So much perspective.
I started watching the tv series "Lost" today. Season 1, episode 1. I'm in for a loooong process - there are over 5 seasons with about 25-30 episodes in each season.
I was woken up about 8:15 this morning by my Dad calling to say that I should call the daycare because they wanted me to work Thursday and Friday. My first reaction was...there's no way this is going to work out... So, after calling the daycare and explaining that I didn't know my work schedule at the restaurant yet and then attempting (and failing) to fall back asleep, I got up. I called the restaurant to see if they had the schedule up - they did, and I for some freak miracle didn't work Thursday or Friday. AND, I have Sunday/Monday off as well, which means I can go to Orange City on Saturday night and stay till Monday! Life is good. It's funny because last night I told my mom I had two prayer requests - to be able to go to Orange City this weekend and to get into grad school. :)
Work was a lot of fun today. I made $42 in tips - averaging around 16% of total sales. Not too bad. It was pretty uneventful - no huge groups (in fact I think my biggest group today was three people), no jerks, no big tips, no complete flops. It was a relatively slow day, so I spent a lot of time "cleaning."
Every day these old men come in around 3:00 for coffee. One of them is Glen - it was his birthday today. Glen actually came to the restaurant twice today - once around noon with his wife, and once for coffee with "the gang." It is HILARIOUS to listen to these guys talk - it's all about the old days, or the weather, or their failing memory, or why K-mart failed while Wal-Mart succeeded. Glen is hilarious - he doesn't exactly have an accent, but he has a strange way of talking, sort of a drawl, but not really...and it's funny. I dunno - their lives are just so simple - they come in for coffee every day - sit there and pass the time drinking coffee and just talking about pointless things. I'm a bit envious. They have so much life already lived - so many memories...so much wisdom. So much perspective.
I started watching the tv series "Lost" today. Season 1, episode 1. I'm in for a loooong process - there are over 5 seasons with about 25-30 episodes in each season.
Monday, February 8, 2010
start of something new
So I'm a college graduate living at home and working 15-20 hours a week at a local restaurant. Needless to say I have an ample amount of free time on my hands.
To fill the void that used to be filled with homework and social obligations, I have taken up a variety of activities of varying usefulness. I'll list them, just because I know how much you care.
-I am reading a book entitled "Hitler's Willing Executioners." I'm about 30-40 pages in, and I've been working on this book since the week I graduated...which was almost two months ago now. FAIL. I'm almost done with chapter 1, though!
-I am currently starting in on the Circle Trilogy by Ted Dekker. I read this trilogy in high school and loved it, so now I'm rereading it. I'm enjoying it so far. Ted Dekker used to be so good before his books became routine and predictable.
-I'm slowly making progress on learning German. Right now I'm basically just adding vocabulary and basic phrases...hopefully I can get to some hardcore grammar soon. :)
-I finished a thousand piece puzzle that I bought for 70 cents at Goodwill last week. It is pretty awesome, especially because I worked on a table that was not even large enough to fit the perimeter of the puzzle on it - I had to add manila file folder extensions to one end.
-I have returned to my old high school habits of watching as many reality television series as possible. By the end of this week, I will be watching four different shows all at once. FOUR! That's pathetic.
-I think the biggest change in my life is the fact that I'm actually getting in shape for the first time since high school. I started running at the end of December and am up to 3 miles now. I'm currently working on shaving time off of the three miles, with the goal of being able to run 3 miles in under 30 minutes by the end of the month. That won't be too difficult...I'm already at 32:12 and that's not an issue at all - I even walk part of it. But I feel so good about myself! :) I've also started doing ab workouts. I can safely say there won't be any heavy lifting for me any time soon - I HATE lifting weights. But, I will feel good if I can say that my core and my heart are strong!
-I'm waiting to hear from grad schools. I got rejected by one yesterday...I'm just praying the next letter is good news. I'm terrified of what would happen if grad school doesn't work out. I really really really don't want to teach high school but I honestly don't know what else would be out there that I would at least halfway enjoy.
-I often sit in my room and watch mediocre movies from the library. Ok, that's unfair. The majority have actually been slightly above mediocre. But the last few have been horrible. So, mediocre is a good average.
The reason for this blog is that three-fold. 1) I really love reading blogs of others who just post about what they or their families are doing. Good stuff... I thought I'd return the favor. 2) If you haven't gathered, I have little else to do with my time. 3) I think it might be fun.
Let's see... what did I do today? (I just realized how strange this really is...devoting a blog to my very mundane life. But I'm going to do it anyway.)
Today is...Monday. Yes, Monday. (I had to remind myself of that...the last two days off from work have flown by and it still feels like Sunday to me). I finally rolled out of bed around 10:30 this morning...I had been quite wide awake several times before that but always just went back to sleep - it's not as if I have anything better to do than sleep away my life anyway, right? :P I worked on the puzzle for a while, went downstairs, watched some pointless tv...Speaking of which, I watched half an episode of Wife Swap...ridiculous! They swapped this wife who lived in a log cabin w/ no electricity with this rich New Jersey woman who was a plastic... it was SO RIDICULOUS. The plastic lady was the most artificial jerk of a person I've ever seen. Pure venom came out of her mouth. Anyway... Ate lunch with the parents, worked some more on my puzzle, went to town (the library and bank), came home, finished my puzzle, (yay!!!) played Upwords (a creepy boring version of Scrabble) with my dad, watched some more stupid people on Judge Judy, read some, ate supper, watched the Bachelor (yes, I'm lame.) and then ran 3 miles! Now I'm doing this. My day was so delighful. I could do this all the time. (Ok, that's a slight exageration - a few days of working here and there aren't so bad)
I work tomorrow. I'm ok with that. My job is decently amusing. Not boring at least, and not overly stressful, and it's not the type of job that I necessarily need to bring home with me. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow!
To fill the void that used to be filled with homework and social obligations, I have taken up a variety of activities of varying usefulness. I'll list them, just because I know how much you care.
-I am reading a book entitled "Hitler's Willing Executioners." I'm about 30-40 pages in, and I've been working on this book since the week I graduated...which was almost two months ago now. FAIL. I'm almost done with chapter 1, though!
-I am currently starting in on the Circle Trilogy by Ted Dekker. I read this trilogy in high school and loved it, so now I'm rereading it. I'm enjoying it so far. Ted Dekker used to be so good before his books became routine and predictable.
-I'm slowly making progress on learning German. Right now I'm basically just adding vocabulary and basic phrases...hopefully I can get to some hardcore grammar soon. :)
-I finished a thousand piece puzzle that I bought for 70 cents at Goodwill last week. It is pretty awesome, especially because I worked on a table that was not even large enough to fit the perimeter of the puzzle on it - I had to add manila file folder extensions to one end.
-I have returned to my old high school habits of watching as many reality television series as possible. By the end of this week, I will be watching four different shows all at once. FOUR! That's pathetic.
-I think the biggest change in my life is the fact that I'm actually getting in shape for the first time since high school. I started running at the end of December and am up to 3 miles now. I'm currently working on shaving time off of the three miles, with the goal of being able to run 3 miles in under 30 minutes by the end of the month. That won't be too difficult...I'm already at 32:12 and that's not an issue at all - I even walk part of it. But I feel so good about myself! :) I've also started doing ab workouts. I can safely say there won't be any heavy lifting for me any time soon - I HATE lifting weights. But, I will feel good if I can say that my core and my heart are strong!
-I'm waiting to hear from grad schools. I got rejected by one yesterday...I'm just praying the next letter is good news. I'm terrified of what would happen if grad school doesn't work out. I really really really don't want to teach high school but I honestly don't know what else would be out there that I would at least halfway enjoy.
-I often sit in my room and watch mediocre movies from the library. Ok, that's unfair. The majority have actually been slightly above mediocre. But the last few have been horrible. So, mediocre is a good average.
The reason for this blog is that three-fold. 1) I really love reading blogs of others who just post about what they or their families are doing. Good stuff... I thought I'd return the favor. 2) If you haven't gathered, I have little else to do with my time. 3) I think it might be fun.
Let's see... what did I do today? (I just realized how strange this really is...devoting a blog to my very mundane life. But I'm going to do it anyway.)
Today is...Monday. Yes, Monday. (I had to remind myself of that...the last two days off from work have flown by and it still feels like Sunday to me). I finally rolled out of bed around 10:30 this morning...I had been quite wide awake several times before that but always just went back to sleep - it's not as if I have anything better to do than sleep away my life anyway, right? :P I worked on the puzzle for a while, went downstairs, watched some pointless tv...Speaking of which, I watched half an episode of Wife Swap...ridiculous! They swapped this wife who lived in a log cabin w/ no electricity with this rich New Jersey woman who was a plastic... it was SO RIDICULOUS. The plastic lady was the most artificial jerk of a person I've ever seen. Pure venom came out of her mouth. Anyway... Ate lunch with the parents, worked some more on my puzzle, went to town (the library and bank), came home, finished my puzzle, (yay!!!) played Upwords (a creepy boring version of Scrabble) with my dad, watched some more stupid people on Judge Judy, read some, ate supper, watched the Bachelor (yes, I'm lame.) and then ran 3 miles! Now I'm doing this. My day was so delighful. I could do this all the time. (Ok, that's a slight exageration - a few days of working here and there aren't so bad)
I work tomorrow. I'm ok with that. My job is decently amusing. Not boring at least, and not overly stressful, and it's not the type of job that I necessarily need to bring home with me. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow!
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